Getting Cold Feet...

On Valentine's Day my sister, her husband, and their 8 month old daughter came over for dinner. We had a great time. My sister's daughter is such a sweet mellow baby. She never cries (seriously - hardly ever) and is always agreeable. She and Skylar played and snuggled and I felt excited and optimistic about our choice to have another.

Then, yesterday my neighbor came by to hang with M and drink a few beers. At about 4 his wife came over with their 3 year old and 3.5 month old (a bit annoyed) to remind him she needed to go to Costco and he needed to watch the kids.

We told him to stay and his daughter could play with Skylar. I scooped up the baby to help him out. Well, after a bit he began to cry...and cry...and cry. I could quiet him at first, but then there was no consoling him. His Dad had bee-lined outside with my husband and S was in a mood and not sharing well with the 3 year old who came to visit. I had flash backs of the first few months of S's life which were so difficult. So much crying, so little time to think or relax.

And, this wasn't my child so it was easy to feel - uh -- not as patient with the crying. Plus, I did not know this baby, what soothed him, how he liked to be held, etc.



Then my neighbor came back in to relieve me of his crying son and he and my husband proceeded to talk about how tough having 2 is. How your free time is shot. This caused my husband to again express his lack of excitement for the decision to have 2. How he is selfish and likes his free time. How it is a lifelong commitment to others. How the infant stage sucks.

It brought back all of the feelings I had in the first 6 months of S's life. Stress from all the crying and so little time for myself. Guilt for making my husband unhappy. Fear that we will never have a night on our own again.

After they left and I had dinner with my daughter and enjoyed her ongoing conversation. I thought about how much I loved this age. How the interaction and love is so rewarding. How far we have come. And how the infant stage was so hard for us.

I'm scared. I know I love being a Mom. I know that I would love for Skylar to experience the love and closeness of a sibling. But, I am afraid of feeling stressed, overwhelmed, overtired, and unable to concentrate fully on my girl. I am afraid of causing a strain on my marriage. I am afraid of PPD and being unhappy -- again.

This AM, M saw me laying in bed thinking and asked what was up. I replied, "Having the baby over yesterday and your reaction to him has made me afraid. I don't want to feel guilty for you not liking your life." He said, "Well, I made a commitment to you. I love you." A good response, I think. But, I am still afraid.