After my RE appt I started replaying our conversation with the Dr and realized that I wasn't that clear on our plan of action. I heard Clomid loud and clear but he also mentioned insemination (IUI). Did he recommend that for me with Clomid or as a next step? Why did he say Mark's trip to Mexico in late May was not a problem? Bad timing is a problem right?
I made an assumption of what the treatment would be (Clomid and well timed sex) so I kind of tuned out the other part.
So, I shot him an e-mail and he promptly called me to explain. I love a responsive Dr! I could never get my OB/GYN on the phone the same day (or even the same week) He explained that the treatment he proposes is Clomid AND IUI to increase the chances of the spermies getting up to my hopefully big and numerous stimulated eggies. Since Clomid decreases cervical mucus (which I don't have alot of as is) this makes sense to me. And, I am happy to have someone who wants to aggressively treat the problem.
So, I called Mark to tell him the good news - that he can go to Cabo without me ripping my hair out at home since we can "freeze him" if need be.
As I say it, it hits me that this is not romantic. But is baby making sex that romantic after all? I remember hearing about "artificial insemination" when I was young and thinking it was so "science fiction" and here I am on the verge of trying it. Who woulda thunk it?
I won't lie, the notion is a bit uncomfortable. Would doesn't dream that their child is conceived after a romantic dinner while making love on satin sheets? But, we rarely go to dinner and my sheets are cotton.
So, come May I will join the scientific community and hop on the table for a romantic interlude with a catheter. I will have finished my 9th cycle TTC so I will be plenty ready to take action to have a baby.
Maybe I can get them to play some Barry White during the procedure?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Where have I gone?
A funny thing happended to me on the way home from my Book Club last night. I felt a renewed sense of myself. For a few hours I did not think about babies or TTC at all. I actually enjoyed the fact that I could be up until 10pm with adult friends drinking wine, eating appetizers, and enjoying stimulating conversation.
It seems that I have lost a bit of myself through this whole process. Since the miscarriage and the TTC process, I am not as happy and stress free, I am more easily overwhelmed, I can be negative and pessimistic, I feel envious, and I can feel anti-social. All of these things are not me. I am usually a happy go lucky, social, positive, "can do" person. I want to find that person again.
It seems that I have lost a bit of myself through this whole process. Since the miscarriage and the TTC process, I am not as happy and stress free, I am more easily overwhelmed, I can be negative and pessimistic, I feel envious, and I can feel anti-social. All of these things are not me. I am usually a happy go lucky, social, positive, "can do" person. I want to find that person again.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Interesting info on air travel
DH and I went to my first RE appt last week. I feel really goods being more proactive. The Dr was a real straight shooter and seemed very knowledgeable. He was concerned about me having had 2 d&c's so wants to look into a lap if I do not get pregnant in the first few months on Clomid. He definitely emphasized age as a factor in how long it takes to get pregnant (I just turned 34). He did an u/s at the end of the appt to check my follicles and I had 5-6 in each ovary at CD 5 so said it looks like I have plenty of eggs. (phew!)
He recommended a semen analysis for DH and Clomid for me to try and produce more eggs per cycle so I up my chances each month. He was ready to start the Clomid right away but I mentioned I am traveling to South America in less than 2 weeks for work. He said he will not do any treatment if I am traveling in an airplane when I could be pregnant (2ww) because of high levels of radiation at the altitude of air travel. This knocks me out for the following month too because I am going to Tokyo for vacation in what will be the 2ww. (He says he has treated numerous flight attendants and they have terrible histories. Only when they take a break from air travel do they get pg.) I had heard this years ago but never recently. He says the FAA isn't quick to release any such info.
He told me that when I do get pg he does not want me in an airplane for the first 12 weeks at all. I travel a lot for work and internationally on long flights. I don't mind cutting down. But, I find this really interesting. I flew numerous times before I had a m/c. I asked if he thought it could have been a contributor and he said it very well could have been.
Anyway, I am sad about the delay but I cannot cancel the work trip and DH and I have been looking forward to the Tokyo vacation (and bought our tickets). But, I am excited to take action and increase my chances with Clomid.
He recommended a semen analysis for DH and Clomid for me to try and produce more eggs per cycle so I up my chances each month. He was ready to start the Clomid right away but I mentioned I am traveling to South America in less than 2 weeks for work. He said he will not do any treatment if I am traveling in an airplane when I could be pregnant (2ww) because of high levels of radiation at the altitude of air travel. This knocks me out for the following month too because I am going to Tokyo for vacation in what will be the 2ww. (He says he has treated numerous flight attendants and they have terrible histories. Only when they take a break from air travel do they get pg.) I had heard this years ago but never recently. He says the FAA isn't quick to release any such info.
He told me that when I do get pg he does not want me in an airplane for the first 12 weeks at all. I travel a lot for work and internationally on long flights. I don't mind cutting down. But, I find this really interesting. I flew numerous times before I had a m/c. I asked if he thought it could have been a contributor and he said it very well could have been.
Anyway, I am sad about the delay but I cannot cancel the work trip and DH and I have been looking forward to the Tokyo vacation (and bought our tickets). But, I am excited to take action and increase my chances with Clomid.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Welcome to my Pity Party - BYOP
Well another month, another disappointment. This cycle marked 6 months TTC for me. Something I was hoping and praying to avoid. I have read statistics that 75% of couples will get pregnant in 6 months. Welcome to the unlucky 25% I guess.
Seems like I am always in the unlucky few. The chance if miscarriage after seeing a hearbeat goes down to 5%. Unlucky 5% for me. Only 5% of D&Cs result in retained tissue. Unlucky 5% for me. Am I a schleprock? Should I buy a lottery ticket?
The good news is, I made an appt with an RE and will see him on Thursday. I made the appt just in case I was not successsful this month. So, I am glad I did. I felt a bit bad ignoring the advice of my Dr but I seriously could not bear 6 more months of possible disappointments. I don't think there is anything wrong with a little assistance. I never pretended to be au natural.
The other good news is that I love my husband. Initially, he had a hard time with my AF arrival crying episode. But after I assured him that I only needed a few hours of self-pity and crying and all would be OK, he was a great support and shoulder. He sent me the sweetest e-mail this AM which I will share:
"I hope you're feeling better about things today. I support you no matter what and there is no right or wrong when it comes to reacting to events - you feel the way you feel and can't do anything about it. Just because I want you to feel a certain way doesn't mean you will. I realize that now and want you to know I will support you no matter how you're feeling.
I'm your shoulder to cry on if that's how you're feeling. I want you to open up to me no matter what. I love you more than anything."
I am a lucky woman.
Seems like I am always in the unlucky few. The chance if miscarriage after seeing a hearbeat goes down to 5%. Unlucky 5% for me. Only 5% of D&Cs result in retained tissue. Unlucky 5% for me. Am I a schleprock? Should I buy a lottery ticket?
The good news is, I made an appt with an RE and will see him on Thursday. I made the appt just in case I was not successsful this month. So, I am glad I did. I felt a bit bad ignoring the advice of my Dr but I seriously could not bear 6 more months of possible disappointments. I don't think there is anything wrong with a little assistance. I never pretended to be au natural.
The other good news is that I love my husband. Initially, he had a hard time with my AF arrival crying episode. But after I assured him that I only needed a few hours of self-pity and crying and all would be OK, he was a great support and shoulder. He sent me the sweetest e-mail this AM which I will share:
"I hope you're feeling better about things today. I support you no matter what and there is no right or wrong when it comes to reacting to events - you feel the way you feel and can't do anything about it. Just because I want you to feel a certain way doesn't mean you will. I realize that now and want you to know I will support you no matter how you're feeling.
I'm your shoulder to cry on if that's how you're feeling. I want you to open up to me no matter what. I love you more than anything."
I am a lucky woman.
Friday, March 10, 2006
How can I have a baby if I want to kill my dog?
I work from home. So does my miniature dachsund, Rueben. Rueben is 13.5 lbs with 200 lbs of attitude. He is tough. He is a protector. He barks my ear off some days. Yesterday was such a day. If he wasn't sitting at the window patrolling and barking at paserbys, he was opening all the kitchen cabinets to find food. He wanted to kill the DHL guy. He was in rare form. Most days he sleeps the day away. Often on my lap while I am at the computer. Not yesterday. I had a headache. I was cranky. He was a jerk. I envisioned throwing his little body out the window. I yelled at him like how my Mom used to when I was really in trouble as a kid. I cussed at him. Then, I felt guilty, told him I was sorry, kissed his head, and gave him a treat. I love that damn dog.
Ohhh I have a lot to learn. At least I recognize it right...
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Sane again...I swear
Phew! The anxiety of days past has left me. Thank God. I knew it would pass but when it is here, it is ugly. I become someone I don't know, or like very much. I have always been what people call "happy go lucky" and I have tended to pride myself in that. I don't get depressed, I don't mope, and if I do feel down I do not (god forbid) let people see it. Well, being married changed all that. So, now my hubby gets to see my shining moments. Luckily, he love me through it all. I actually think he is relieved a bit since it gives him more room to be moody (as all men are in my experience.)
So, what's new with me? Well, I have not played any golf since Albuquerque. I start to feel guilty since I really want to do well but it is hard to drag my butt to the driving range after a full day of work (ok, full day of work and internet surfing...if Al Gore knew the amount of productivity the would be sucked down the drain because of the "information super highway" would he have campaigned so hard on that buzz word?) And, golf is not something you can really play alone (well you could go as a single and join another group but that isn't my cup of tea). My Dad who works for himself golfed 3 days last week and told me that I need to make time for the things that are important. Easy to say when you don't have deadlines. So, as you can see, no golf news.
How about TTC you ask? well, I am 2 days past ovulation and in the lovely waiting phase. I am always hopeful when I know I ovulated and hubby and I got busy at the right times. But, I have ovulated the past 5 months with good timing and no dice. I am hoping that the 6th time is a charm. Argh...6 months. On a positive note, a gal on Fertility Friend whose chart I was stalking because she had a miscarriage a bit before me last year found out she was pregnant today. Yea! She was trying about 10 months I think, so that is encouraging.
I talked to my Dr last week as well. I told her I was "antsy" and was thinking she would start me on Clomid or something. But, she told me that I just need to be patient, all my tests are great, my number should come up soon and she wouldn't recommend referring me to a specialist for another 5-6 months. 5-6 months! I think I would die waiting that long. I must admit, I did feel good that she wasn't concerned. It was encouraging. And I stressed that I just turned 34 but she didn't seem to care.
I do, however, think I will see an RE after 2-3 more months. I already e-mailed an RE who I know through a friend who is very well respected in my area and he told me to come in whenever I feel comfortable. So, sorry Doc but I will be a bit more aggressive than you. :)
Anyway, I am feeling hopeful this month but trying not to set myself up for disappointment. I think I may stop taking my temperature soon because I think it is information overkill. Once I know I ovulated, all I do is try to guess what temps mean. And, the truth is, they don't really mean squat while you wait for your period. I don't even get a temp drop before I get my period, so what is even the point?
More good news..I have a lot of world travel ahead. I am going to Brazil and Argentina at the end of March, Tokyo in May, and Ireland in May as well. All of the trips except for the South America one is timed OK for babymaking (Mark will be with me in Tokyo). Some friends can't believe I would stress about that when given such cool opportunities to travel but, right now, I am focused. I have been all over the world, its great. Now it is baby time. You may not understand it people, but that is the way it is! No shame in it.
Alright, so that is my version of sanity. Thinking too much about TTC and online too much. Cest la vie.
So, what's new with me? Well, I have not played any golf since Albuquerque. I start to feel guilty since I really want to do well but it is hard to drag my butt to the driving range after a full day of work (ok, full day of work and internet surfing...if Al Gore knew the amount of productivity the would be sucked down the drain because of the "information super highway" would he have campaigned so hard on that buzz word?) And, golf is not something you can really play alone (well you could go as a single and join another group but that isn't my cup of tea). My Dad who works for himself golfed 3 days last week and told me that I need to make time for the things that are important. Easy to say when you don't have deadlines. So, as you can see, no golf news.
How about TTC you ask? well, I am 2 days past ovulation and in the lovely waiting phase. I am always hopeful when I know I ovulated and hubby and I got busy at the right times. But, I have ovulated the past 5 months with good timing and no dice. I am hoping that the 6th time is a charm. Argh...6 months. On a positive note, a gal on Fertility Friend whose chart I was stalking because she had a miscarriage a bit before me last year found out she was pregnant today. Yea! She was trying about 10 months I think, so that is encouraging.
I talked to my Dr last week as well. I told her I was "antsy" and was thinking she would start me on Clomid or something. But, she told me that I just need to be patient, all my tests are great, my number should come up soon and she wouldn't recommend referring me to a specialist for another 5-6 months. 5-6 months! I think I would die waiting that long. I must admit, I did feel good that she wasn't concerned. It was encouraging. And I stressed that I just turned 34 but she didn't seem to care.
I do, however, think I will see an RE after 2-3 more months. I already e-mailed an RE who I know through a friend who is very well respected in my area and he told me to come in whenever I feel comfortable. So, sorry Doc but I will be a bit more aggressive than you. :)
Anyway, I am feeling hopeful this month but trying not to set myself up for disappointment. I think I may stop taking my temperature soon because I think it is information overkill. Once I know I ovulated, all I do is try to guess what temps mean. And, the truth is, they don't really mean squat while you wait for your period. I don't even get a temp drop before I get my period, so what is even the point?
More good news..I have a lot of world travel ahead. I am going to Brazil and Argentina at the end of March, Tokyo in May, and Ireland in May as well. All of the trips except for the South America one is timed OK for babymaking (Mark will be with me in Tokyo). Some friends can't believe I would stress about that when given such cool opportunities to travel but, right now, I am focused. I have been all over the world, its great. Now it is baby time. You may not understand it people, but that is the way it is! No shame in it.
Alright, so that is my version of sanity. Thinking too much about TTC and online too much. Cest la vie.
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