Count Down to the New Baby C

Yep -- my older sis is going to have her baby girl in just 6 short weeks! She is naming her Charlotte Nicole so Baby C she will be.

I am so excited for sis and for Skylar. She will LOVE to have a cousin. And, if they are as close as my sis and I are it will be a lifelong friendship. If M chooses to never get on board for Baby #2, at least I can try and make this cousin relationship as close and rich as it can be.

I can't say I am not a little worried for sis. Having a baby kicked my butt and sometimes I feel like I can handle a bit more than her. However, I am sure she will rise to the occasion. And watch, she will have the calmest, mellowest - sleep all the time baby and not a hint of PPD. Which is probably good because my sister would not be so quick to take meds. She is much for fearful than me. And, was never the drug experimenter in her part days like me. Too afraid that she would drop dead at the first pill, sniff, smoke, etc. I was with her when she smoked pot once and thought she couldn't breathe or move...good memories. ;)

Speaking of meds...I have been off the meds I was prescribed for post partum depression (PPD) for a month and no problem at all! I never intended to stay on them a year but my OB recommended it. And, I was afraid getting off of them would be tough as I have 3 friends who just could not. I must admit that there were side effects or "withdrawals" per se even though I weaned off in 6 weeks. But nothing major, just annoying.

Now I feel good and I have proven to myself that i wasn't just happy because of the medication. I am actually happy! And, I had noted that I was not stressed at work no matter how heavy the load. That too has not gone away, so perhaps I have been re-wired? Maybe PPD was a good thing for me.

That said, I wouldn't hesitate to go back on meds after Baby #2 if need be. It was a life saver for me and with 2 kids I may need a double dose. ;) Let's see if M starts leaning in the baby direction anytime soon. Skylar has been super cute lately so that always helps the cause.

Not so sad...

OK, I have recovered from my last post. For now... M got a wind of my blubbering and it has been Be Nice to Me week -- well at least so far at Tues PM. Sad that I have to have a concerted effort but I will take what I can get. I did not mention anything about Baby #2 cause I know not to stir that pot, but I did make a case for more affection, less sarcasm, more appreciation of the prize of a wife he has. He took it heart.

It seems all the men I have involved myself with have been moody guys (my sis too.) My Mom says my Dad was moody (he is still around but they have been divorced some 25 years.) Maybe this is catchy in my family.

My sis and I are the happy go lucky, silver lining, let's just have a good time type of gals. We loved Pollyanna (and Little House) and still do. Oh Skylar is going to be watching her some Little House -- I am buying every season on DVD. Every girl should watch Little House to follow the trials and tribulations of Half Pint and the Walnut Creek gang as they grow up on the Prairie. The good ol days...

Strange tangent and I will leave it at that because I actually have to do some work - at 8:30 pm. Boo. Well, I don't have to but a head start means I can sneak out to the gym during my work day and cut out early as I had planned for dinner with a friend.

I'm sad...

Things with M and I have been tough. Having a child has been hard on our relationship. I guess I expect more from him as a husband and father than he is prepared or able or willing to give.

It has hit home more lately because I would like to start thinking about another child (I would like to start trying at the end of summer with an ideal 3 year age difference.) M is pretty adamant about only having one. he says he "does not want to live for his kids" and is "too selfish" to have another. He doesn't want to give up anything more and does not want to do anything just for someone else (i.e., Skylar and me). It makes me incredibly sad because I think a sibling is very important for Skylar. And, it makes me sad that having this wonderful little being doesn't make him want to fill the house with more.

I do a lot for Skylar on my own, most things actually. And M does his own things often -- trips with friends, nights out, etc. (Although he thinks differently) I manage on my own. And, although I am extremely capable it is lonely for me sometimes. Hell, I could have 2 kids on my own, and support my family, but who wants to?

Everyone always said to think about the man you marry in terms of what kind of father he would be, and I guess I just couldn't tell or I just assumed all of the things I love about him would come to the forefront when it came to family. He is GREAT FATHER extremely patient, loving, and sweet with Skylar. He just isn't a "family man". That is, he doesn't want to see himself that way and he is fighting it tooth and nail. It's as if he wants to be forever 25 -- partying, hanging with the guys, going to clubs, etc. I thought this would pass...Not yet I guess.

Maye I am, too hard on him today or just venting, but it makes me sad. I just wish I had the hubby who wanted a boat load of kids, was excited when I was pregnant, loved family get togethers, dreamed ahead about large Thanksgivings with the kids back from college, wanted Skylar to know the closeness of siblings, loved family times at home, etc. But, you can't change people and I do love him immensely. It is just hard to see why through my tears right now.

OK, am soaking the keyboard...gotta go...

Spitting image of her Dad...

Yea, yea, yea. I get it, my daughter looks like her father. She doesn't look anything like me. Her light hair and round face are light years away from my dark hair and long face. But, I promise you, she came out of me...I witnessed it!

(I could even post a picture to prove it. I have the best picture of Skylar's head poking out and me smiling. The angle is perfect so it is totally PG-13, but no, I won't post it lest I become an Internet phenomenon.)

Anyway -- I can't tell you how many times a week I hear about how she looks like dad and not me. Even strangers say"She must look like her father." And everytime I send out a new batch of photos via email I get about 5-10 replies of -- Wow she looks like Daddy, etc.

It doesn't really bother me, because I agree -- she looks alot like her papa. It is just funny that no one sees me in there....because I do! (My sister does too but she knows me better than anyone.)

So, I found an old pic of me circa 1976 (?) It is old and tattered but I think this is proof that Skylar looks like me. In fact, I didn't look anything like I do now when I was a kid. I too had arounder face and lighter hair (I dye it people). And, no baby is born with my long "roman" nose.

So here it is -- proof! HA! What a cute kid I was... :)

If you are happy and you know it

Clap your hands! OK, this kid is just making me crazy happy. She is such a happy, friendly, sweet girl. She has started carrying around a blanket and saying "Baby Baby" so I can swaddle her up and snuggle her. She gives me wet kisses on the lips. She says "bum bum" and slaps my butt twice (one of my proudest Skylar tricks.) She says "binky!" when she passes gas (that is my family word - yes it was weird when I heard people call pacifiers that - gross!)

She manhandles the dog because she wants to squeeze him and love him -- a la Lenny of Of Mice and Men. Love her...please don't kill the doggie.

No More Martha Stewart

OK, so this whole hostess thing has got to stop or at least take a hiatus until the Baby Shower I am throwing on 4/26. I am going 3 weekends in a row throwing dinners, playdates, BBQs for old friends and new friends and I am tired. I LOVE entertaining and having some drinks with people I enjoy but, I prep and I clean and I shop and I take care of Skylar and I take care of hubby and I am one tired lady.

The 8 people and 2 kids we had over tonight left at 8:00 which meant Skylar didn't go down until 8:45 which is late for my bumpkin even though she loved every minute of it. I HAD to keep her up to give her a bath 'cuz Dady watched her Friday which means no bath, we were in San Diego last night for another shin dig -- no bath and sleeping in the car until I made the crib transfer, so at risk of neglecting my poor skanky kid my tired ass had to run and bath and play with ducks, etc. Just a long day! And, she has started the awful habit of getting up about 6:15 (as opposed to her normal 7:45) and Momma needs that 90 minutes. I am NOT a morning person. I would prefer at 2 am waking to a 6:15 and up for the day. But, she sleeps through the night so what am I complaining about.

Today all the peeps were from my husband's work. I had met two of the wives before and they are quite nice. The new one is a yougin at 23 and was very 23 if you know what I mean. As I shuffled sround in preparation I stopped and told myself, "Who cares if they happen to not like you." I am 35 years old and I still want people to like me, how pathetic. (OK I am 36 but close enough) But, I am a people pleaser, that is my nature and I don't think I reallywant to change it. The only thing I need to change is caring what someone I would never be friends with thinks about me.

Anyway -- I am dog tied but I made a committment to keep this blogging thing up so here I am in my jam jmas while hubby is watching the Lakers. I think I will snuggle up to the Kite Runner -- hope hubs is not feelin frisky but who am I kidding? ;)