A quick check in

It has been hard to find time to write but I have a few moments so wanted to check in.

I am doing MUCH better. I don't know if it is just time, the medication, or Skylar's more pleasant demeanor (or a combination of all three) that has made the past few weeks so much better.

My anxiety has decreased a lot and I am sleeping well. Skylar is averaging 8 hours a night so that has been wonderful. She is also a lot less fussy (except for in the evenings) which makes the days easier. She smiles and coos and can entertain herself for periods of time. She still likes to be held much of the time -- but who doesn't? ) The breastfeeding is still going well and she will take a bottle from me and others when I have time to pump.

I extended my maternity leave to the end of April when Skylar will be 5 months. I just felt that 4 montsh was too small to have her in the care of others. I do work from home so will always be in the same place, but I need assistance to get my work done. My grandmother will likely watch her 3 days a week -- I will go to her home so she doesn't have to drive. And, I will bring someone in my home to assist 2 days a week. I am hoping that the nanny my mother used for my younger brother and sister (who I have known for 15 years and was at my wedding) will be available because she is like part of the family. And, she helps me practice my Spanish which is getting rusty.

Anyway -- things are coming together and I am starting to feel like my old self and enjoy motherhood more. It is still hard and I am still tired but I am not unhappy and stressed all of the time. It is hard to make time for "romance" in my life with M because I fall asleep shortly after Skylar does each night, but I am hoping it will get easier to make time for that important element.

Anyway -- I better go since I have to get back to my sweet little girl...

Good Days Too

I am sure my last post was a bit alarming. But, I was feeling pretty low. I do have good days too.I think I knew for quite some time that I was experiencing Post Partum Depression. Mine is more in the form of anxiety than depression. I don't weep, I am just an anxious ball much of the day. It had gotten so that even small tasks seemed overwhelming and I did not feel hopeful for the future. This is strange for me being such a "doer." So, I have felt like my identity had been taken away.

And, the responsibility of a little life 24 X 7 is overwhleming. Plus, Skylar has been a bit of a fussy baby. Although at 11 weeks it has gotten a lot easier. She can entertain herself more and I can have a little tiny bit of free time. But, all that said, being house bound is tough for me. I do try to take her out a bit -- but a trip to the store or a walk around the block is not that liberating. I am trying to get over my fear of taking her out because of fussing. Babies cry. I have to realize that.

Skylar has, however, been an excellent sleeper. She has slept an average of 9 hours a night for 6 of the last 8 nights! It is a pleasant surprise since I am breastfeeding and many say breastfed babies don't often sleep such long stretches. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of insomnia so I have not been taking advantage of the time. Although last night I slept pretty well for the first time in a few days.

Skylar is smiling more and more and I feel more love for her each day. I am now just trying to manage my anxiety and stress. I never wish she wasn't here -- I thank God for her. She is a blessing. But, I do mourn my old life and often wonder if I can make it through day after day of her care. I know that I can just sometimes it is hard to realize it.

As for help, I have seen a therapist and went to a local support group. My OB also prescribed me some medication (anti-anxiety -- anti-depression) which she and my pediatrician assured me was safe while nursing. I felt uncomfortable about meds at first but after speaking with so many friends and others who got great benefits from them, I felt a bit better. Hopefully it will work and I can be my old self again. I am sad that this time is meant to be so joyous and sometimes I am crippled by anxiety.

I just tell myself that "I will get through this!" I will.