I am sure my last post was a bit alarming. But, I was feeling pretty low. I do have good days too.I think I knew for quite some time that I was experiencing Post Partum Depression. Mine is more in the form of anxiety than depression. I don't weep, I am just an anxious ball much of the day. It had gotten so that even small tasks seemed overwhelming and I did not feel hopeful for the future. This is strange for me being such a "doer." So, I have felt like my identity had been taken away.
And, the responsibility of a little life 24 X 7 is overwhleming. Plus, Skylar has been a bit of a fussy baby. Although at 11 weeks it has gotten a lot easier. She can entertain herself more and I can have a little tiny bit of free time. But, all that said, being house bound is tough for me. I do try to take her out a bit -- but a trip to the store or a walk around the block is not that liberating. I am trying to get over my fear of taking her out because of fussing. Babies cry. I have to realize that.
Skylar has, however, been an excellent sleeper. She has slept an average of 9 hours a night for 6 of the last 8 nights! It is a pleasant surprise since I am breastfeeding and many say breastfed babies don't often sleep such long stretches. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of insomnia so I have not been taking advantage of the time. Although last night I slept pretty well for the first time in a few days.
Skylar is smiling more and more and I feel more love for her each day. I am now just trying to manage my anxiety and stress. I never wish she wasn't here -- I thank God for her. She is a blessing. But, I do mourn my old life and often wonder if I can make it through day after day of her care. I know that I can just sometimes it is hard to realize it.
As for help, I have seen a therapist and went to a local support group. My OB also prescribed me some medication (anti-anxiety -- anti-depression) which she and my pediatrician assured me was safe while nursing. I felt uncomfortable about meds at first but after speaking with so many friends and others who got great benefits from them, I felt a bit better. Hopefully it will work and I can be my old self again. I am sad that this time is meant to be so joyous and sometimes I am crippled by anxiety.
I just tell myself that "I will get through this!" I will.
4 comments:
I'm so glad to hear that there are meds to take that are safe for breastfeeding. Skylar is too cute!
So good to see you back! Take it easy, it is not easy and we are never prepared for the overwhelming change that babies bring to our lives. I sometimes feel like every day is like the previous. My little one is fussy, but all babies are at this age. They say they get over the fussiness at 4 months old. I am waiting for that to happen. Take it easy, take it slower (as a doer you are used to performing, right?) and just one day at a time will do! Skylar will reward you with her smiles!
I'm so sorry about your depression! I was away so I didn't know anything!!
Well, at least you're already being treated and I'm sure with the support group and medications you will be fine soon!
I have a friend who I think has a very similar personality as yours, and she also had post-partum depression with her first child, now she has two and with the second one she was just fine!!!! I think type A personalities (I'm that one too!!) have more predisposition to have post-partum depression, because babies are the least rational and structured beings that can be, and I think that can alter our mental structure!!
Hope you feel better, and your baby is cute!!!!!
...Thinking of you..
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