Things with M and I have been tough. Having a child has been hard on our relationship. I guess I expect more from him as a husband and father than he is prepared or able or willing to give.
It has hit home more lately because I would like to start thinking about another child (I would like to start trying at the end of summer with an ideal 3 year age difference.) M is pretty adamant about only having one. he says he "does not want to live for his kids" and is "too selfish" to have another. He doesn't want to give up anything more and does not want to do anything just for someone else (i.e., Skylar and me). It makes me incredibly sad because I think a sibling is very important for Skylar. And, it makes me sad that having this wonderful little being doesn't make him want to fill the house with more.
I do a lot for Skylar on my own, most things actually. And M does his own things often -- trips with friends, nights out, etc. (Although he thinks differently) I manage on my own. And, although I am extremely capable it is lonely for me sometimes. Hell, I could have 2 kids on my own, and support my family, but who wants to?
Everyone always said to think about the man you marry in terms of what kind of father he would be, and I guess I just couldn't tell or I just assumed all of the things I love about him would come to the forefront when it came to family. He is GREAT FATHER extremely patient, loving, and sweet with Skylar. He just isn't a "family man". That is, he doesn't want to see himself that way and he is fighting it tooth and nail. It's as if he wants to be forever 25 -- partying, hanging with the guys, going to clubs, etc. I thought this would pass...Not yet I guess.
Maye I am, too hard on him today or just venting, but it makes me sad. I just wish I had the hubby who wanted a boat load of kids, was excited when I was pregnant, loved family get togethers, dreamed ahead about large Thanksgivings with the kids back from college, wanted Skylar to know the closeness of siblings, loved family times at home, etc. But, you can't change people and I do love him immensely. It is just hard to see why through my tears right now.
OK, am soaking the keyboard...gotta go...
1 comment:
Oh, girl. I feel for you right now. Although all of these things (marriage, our little ones) are such blessings they can also be not so easy to deal with. My hubby and I have been contemplating a second lately too and it's been a LONG process filled with talks of are we too selfish, do we have enough time, money, love, etc. And the biggie? Are we prepared to not sleep again for awhile! All of these doubts and we've somehow come back around to yes we still think we want another. Anyhow, hang in there... it'll all work itself out. Hugs and sorry for the book!
Post a Comment