Nothing to hide

Well, I am in Dallas for a work meeting. We arrived tonight and had a "welcome" reception. I thought I may get through the trip without any mention of babies but that was not to be. Two people asked when I was going to start a family and two others asked "how things were going" in a concerned tone. The latter two were more "in the know" of my TTC trials.

I think I handled all conversations well. I never try to hide the fact that I am trying. I refuse to keep up the charade that making a baby is easy for everyone. I am also very forthcoming about my miscarriage. If I feel it is appropriate, I tell people...even acquaintances. Why hide it? Why keep it as taboo as it seems?

After I had a miscarriage I felt abnormal and "lesser than." All of my friends who had gotten pregnant had babies. No one ended childless like me. I was a tragedy, a poor soul. It sucked! Then, slowly I started to hear stories of how common it is. My sister....my mom....my friend...I had a miscarriage...etc. I felt so much better knowing I was not alone and that healthy pregnancies do happen after miscarriage. Often. I wished I had known that before. I wished I had known that when I saw the lifeless heartbeat-less image on the ultrasound and wondered why I was the only one who couldn't sustain a new life. Why I had to give up my baby dreams for the moment.

Talking about it helps. It helps me and I would like to believe it helps others who may be there some day or who are dealing with others going through the same. It is an interesting place to be. Lonely, challenging, stressful, and... natural. I want to be a mother. Plain and simple. Nothing to hide...

Cough, cough, sniff, sniff

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with a cold. It has proceeded to get worse and I feel downright lousy. Funny thing is, being ill has given me some relief...from my mind. I feel too shitty to think about TTC, logon to Fertility Friend, try to guess what day I will ovulate, or stress over whether Mark will be back from his business trip or not when the big O occurs.

I actually have an excuse to lay on the sofa, watch my Tivo'd Project Runway and let Mark make me tacos. Being sick is kind of like a vacation from myself. I am going to lay back, blow the 'ol nose and enjoy! Ahhhh

What the Pluck?!?!

OK, so the cruel joke of surrounding me with every pregnant person possible persists.

Yesterday I went to get my eyebrows waxed by my "brow artist" Heidi and lo and behold a big 'ol bump. I see her every month so was so confused. Did she eat an extra large lunch? No way...this is a pregnant belly. I was not afraid to comment on it since I was 99.9% sure she did not just gain weight.

Yep, 5 months pregnant. Not planned. Took off the patch for three days while getting a new one and Whammo! pregnant.

Although a little sad inside with jealousy I tried to make the best of it. I took deep breaths through the entire 30 minute waxing to try and grab some of those "pregnant phermones" my Mom has told me about. Hey, in Africa an infertility treatment is to hold a baby for an entire day. So why can't I sniff a pregnant gal?

We will see if it works. Stay tuned!

Ain't So Bad

This weekend I suffered a big disappoinment with the evidence that my 5th cycle trying to conceive was a bust. I kept the crying down to one dedicated 2 hour period while in Albuquerque. My husband Mark was wonderful and just rubbed my head and let me cry. He didn't try to make it better and I thank him for that.

I told myself I would only get one good cry. (And after seeing how long the puffy eyes lasted, my own vanity will force me to uphold the rules.) As the days pass it does feel better and I start to get a bit hopeful for the month ahead. That did not stop me, however, from calling my Dr to tell her that I am officially "antsy." I am ready for intevention because I am just am impatient person by nature. And, if one more friend gets pregnant while I sit hear with my empty uterus, I think I may explode!

Well, I haven't been crying but I have been waking up with a a large wave of anxiety. I try to just breath through it, let it pass, get up, and hit the gym. It seemed to work today.

I just found out we will see some friends and their new baby on Sat. I am excited to squeeze the little one. Of course I can't help but thinking the baby I lost would be just over 2 months now and only 2 months younger than the baby we will visit. What if...what if...what if... yeah, yeah, yeah

I can't dwell on that pathetic stuff...onwards and upwards! Ain't so bad.

I'll take that Birdie!

Well, I am not any closer to breaking 100 having shot a pretty sad 107 at the Santa Ana Golf Club in Albuquerque this weekend. But, I did have 2 pars, 2 bogies, and 1 fabulous birdie! Yep, I chipped it on off the green on a par 3 so took a 2 on the hole! This is the 2nd birdie of my lifetime.

I also beat my husband on 3 holes! How is that possible when I shot 107 and he shot 74? Not sure but it happened and I can't say he shares my enthusiasm. He is very supportive of my game but it is still not clear why he bogies only the holes that I par. Happens at least once every time we play no matter how poorly I play.

Now I need to practice, practice, practice! (my stance is way too wide as made evident by picture above) ...And find some cuter golf clothes. A 107 feels better when you don't look like hell.

Outlet needed - Hey a Blog!

A Blog...what the %#!? About a year ago I was asking a savvy friend what the heck a blog was. And now, here I am. A fellow blogger suggested it as a good outlet, and Lord knows I need an outlet.

My hyperactivity mind has started to plague me. And, I am sure my hubby would be happy for a break. He thinks I have the gift of gab. (Which truly is a gift.) But, when I stop talking he worries. Quiet from me either means either 1) I am very drunk 2) I am very mad at him. (I am very thankful that I am a quiet drunk.)

So why do I need an outlet so badly right now? I am trying to make a baby and thus far it has not been all of the fun I imagined it to be. It has been a true test of my patience, strength, and character. And, believe me, I NEVER thought I would be someone who was obsessing, taking their temperature, trying to have sex at the right time, and longing for the babies I see at the mall. Well, here I am, just turned 34 -- married for almost a year and a half and am all of the above.

My Trying to Conceive (TTC) journey began in February of 05. I decided to start trying right after my sister's wedding in February of 05. (Actually - I started right before. I just didn't want to KNOW I was pregnant at the wedding. As you can see, having champagne and a few cocktails at my sister's wedding was a high priority.) Some thought it was foolish to think I would get pregnant that quickly that I would have to worry about alcohol intake. But, one month later on March 25th I found out I was pregnant! Woo hoo! I was shocked and excited and ready to start planning my life as a mom. Right away I was looking at nursery things for Baby C (my nickname for my baby to be -- my last name starts with a C) , buying 7 maternity jeans (shallow I know but it felt so good -- especially when I got them for $50 under retail on ebay.) I live for projects. And so, Project Baby C is what I call my journey.

Well, all seemed to go well. On April 14th I saw the heartbeat and the baby measured 6 wk 4 days. At this early date the ultrasound confirmed I was having a lumpy peanut.

Then, on 5/24/05 I went in for a 2nd ultrasound and....no heartbeat. My Baby C had stopped growing. I was shocked, crushed, and confused. On 5/26 I had a D&C and looked towards trying again -- desperately! Unfortunately, the first d&c was not successful and 12 weeks later (after many tests and struggles to find out why I continued to have positive pregnancy tests) I had a 2nd d&c for retained tissue. Can it get any worse?

I was told to wait one month to try again. Which we did. And now, here I am. Starting my 6 month TTC and still no return of Baby C. I am nervous, scared, and still a bit sad. But also excited and optimistic for the future. Maybe my journey will just be a bit longer than others.

I have learned a few things from this experience so far. I used to have a perfect picture for my family to be. 2 children spaced perfectly 2 years apart - one boy and one girl. A beautiful nursery and chic maternity wear. Now, I truly would be happy with one healthy baby in a beat up crib by my bed while I am wearing a potato sack.

Well -- that is the low down. That is why this BLOG has come to be. But, I am not all about TTC. There is another person underneath the obsession and she is struggling for air. And air she will get!