A Blog...what the %#!? About a year ago I was asking a savvy friend what the heck a blog was. And now, here I am. A fellow blogger suggested it as a good outlet, and Lord knows I need an outlet.
My hyperactivity mind has started to plague me. And, I am sure my hubby would be happy for a break. He thinks I have the gift of gab. (Which truly is a gift.) But, when I stop talking he worries. Quiet from me either means either 1) I am very drunk 2) I am very mad at him. (I am very thankful that I am a quiet drunk.)
So why do I need an outlet so badly right now? I am trying to make a baby and thus far it has not been all of the fun I imagined it to be. It has been a true test of my patience, strength, and character. And, believe me, I NEVER thought I would be someone who was obsessing, taking their temperature, trying to have sex at the right time, and longing for the babies I see at the mall. Well, here I am, just turned 34 -- married for almost a year and a half and am all of the above.
My Trying to Conceive (TTC) journey began in February of 05. I decided to start trying right after my sister's wedding in February of 05. (Actually - I started right before. I just didn't want to KNOW I was pregnant at the wedding. As you can see, having champagne and a few cocktails at my sister's wedding was a high priority.) Some thought it was foolish to think I would get pregnant that quickly that I would have to worry about alcohol intake. But, one month later on March 25th I found out I was pregnant! Woo hoo! I was shocked and excited and ready to start planning my life as a mom. Right away I was looking at nursery things for Baby C (my nickname for my baby to be -- my last name starts with a C) , buying 7 maternity jeans (shallow I know but it felt so good -- especially when I got them for $50 under retail on ebay.) I live for projects. And so, Project Baby C is what I call my journey.
Well, all seemed to go well. On April 14th I saw the heartbeat and the baby measured 6 wk 4 days. At this early date the ultrasound confirmed I was having a lumpy peanut.
Then, on 5/24/05 I went in for a 2nd ultrasound and....no heartbeat. My Baby C had stopped growing. I was shocked, crushed, and confused. On 5/26 I had a D&C and looked towards trying again -- desperately! Unfortunately, the first d&c was not successful and 12 weeks later (after many tests and struggles to find out why I continued to have positive pregnancy tests) I had a 2nd d&c for retained tissue. Can it get any worse?
I was told to wait one month to try again. Which we did. And now, here I am. Starting my 6 month TTC and still no return of Baby C. I am nervous, scared, and still a bit sad. But also excited and optimistic for the future. Maybe my journey will just be a bit longer than others.
I have learned a few things from this experience so far. I used to have a perfect picture for my family to be. 2 children spaced perfectly 2 years apart - one boy and one girl. A beautiful nursery and chic maternity wear. Now, I truly would be happy with one healthy baby in a beat up crib by my bed while I am wearing a potato sack.
Well -- that is the low down. That is why this BLOG has come to be. But, I am not all about TTC. There is another person underneath the obsession and she is struggling for air. And air she will get!
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