Well, I thought I was doing so well and BAM! I am a wreck. I returned from my Dallas trip exhausted and happy to be home. My husband was away as well and returned on Saturday AM. I missed him a lot when he was gone and built up some grandiose visions of his return and me being doused in affection. I had to help at an event on Saturday and when I returned in the pm my husband barely looked up and quickly went to bed leaving me alone with my glass of wine and a rerun of House which he promptly asked me to "please turn down."
I tried to plan some fun activities on Sunday and he just seemed ambivalent. So, I lost it. I cried and told him I needed his support and to feel like he actually liked me. I had a mini breakdown. This only made him upset and concerned. He felt bad about himself and his inability to make me happy. This made me feel like a needy and pathetic nut case. And all I wanted to do was apologize and ignore the feelings of neglect that prompted the discussions. argh
Although we ended the night with lots of smooches and cuddles, I slept horiibly and woke up with incredible anxiety, like I could not face the day. My heart was racing and I had a huge knot in my chest. I couldn't sleep in, I couldn't relax with my meditation tape...I was just immobolized. This isn't the first time but this generally happened in the first few months after my miscarriage. I do not welcome its return.
Now I am up and at em and feeling somewhat more relaxed but the anxiosu feeling is still inside. I am just going to take it one day at a time.
1 comment:
Men *so* do not get it sometimes! After almost 10 years of marriage, I have learned to carefully spell everything out. It takes a lot out of the spontineity but at least I get what I want and need. Lots of hugs.
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