Sorry hunny

I forgot my hubby says I cannot call Jennifer Lopez J.Lo or Sean Combs P Diddy, or whatever. Too stupid to participate in he says...

My apologies.

Ugh another reason to dislike J.Lo

Ok, I am happy she had twins -- yea for her. Although I read a long time ago she was one of the naive ones who thought twins would be agood way to "get it all done with at once." Heck, I said it too, before Baby that is.

1 baby is a sh%!t load of work, I cannot imagine 2 at once. Eee gads! But, I am also not filthy rich and a diva with help coming out of the wazoo.

Anyway -- it was evident she struggled to get pg. And, when she was announced to be carrying twins, I thought - yea, her treatments worked. I assumed IVF but I don't know. There had to be some mulit-egg dropping stimulants going on in there.

Cut to a recent trash mag where she says twins run in my family and Marc's family. "This really happened naturally, believe it or not. "

I call BS! Man up Jenny from the Block, what is wrong with fertility treatments? Argh...You may not have had IVF but something was going on sista, I would bet some bling bling and an extra large g-string on that one.

A Little Celebrity

That is definitely what she is in our home! She has a smile that will light up a room and she is so smart she amazes me on a daily basis. These little brains are like sponges. Her language has just taken off and it is new words everyday. I even have her counting to 5 but I am sure she doesn't know what I mean, just repeating a sequence that is fun to watch because fingers are associated.

Anyway -- I will post more later, just wanted to share this picture!

Remember Us?

Wow, it has been forever since we posted. 6 months actually. I couldn't login. I don't know why. I tried to respond to numerous other blogs and just couldn't do it. I don't know why it took me forever to realize I could just reset the darn password.

Anyway, here I am now. I cannot guarantee I will keep up the good habit since life with a toddler is demanding. But, I am here now. :)

Skylar is 13 1/2 months and great. She is walking and off the bottle. She feeds herself with a spoon and speaks some words. She is adorable and has won over all of us. She looks like

her Dad, as she always has. But ha sher Mom's gift of gab. She is constantly talking in her own little language with a few English words thrown in. She says Ball, RuRuRu (for dog), Daddy, Nose, Poo poo (nice), Wow, Uh oh, Up, Down, etc. She makes a MMM sound but I am not yet convinced it is Mom. I think she is incredibly bright (what Mom doesn't).

What else is going on...we bought a new home and I spent a good few months remodeling it. I really enjoyed it and we love our new home. It is a large one story, perefct for entertaining. There is a yard for Skylar --w ith playhouse -- and we have a bonus room with all of her stuff and room to play. It is wonderful.

She is sleeping 12+ hours a night. No night wakings -- at least not for the last 10 days (life always changes). Getting molars was rough but other than that is has been good.

I knwo I just got back but it is late and I am tired (Skylar took a marathon 3 1/2 hour nap until 5 so was up until 9 which is not typival since she is usually down by 7:30)

I will post more later -- if anyone is still out there and reading.

Future Heartbreaker!

Her first professional portrait sitting and she was such a sweetie. She is usually so smiley and it was a bit tough getting her to smile because she was to entranced with the photographer, lights, props, etc. But, we got some beautiful pictures.

She is almost 7 months old and will crawl any day now. She is very mobile and scoots across the floor. She loves the new independence. She is also consistently sleeping 12 hours a night which is great for M and I since we have some adult evenings. But, since I am working I do miss spending more time with Skylar. She is my everything.

In the Swing of Things...

Life has taken on a certain level of routine and I think it is good for both Skylar and me! Skylar has a regular schedule with 2 naps a day and bedtime at 7:30 pm. She usually sleeps through the night but has been waking a bit earlier than this mom would like at 6:30. I am not a morning person. I almost prefer when she wakes up to eat once in the night because then she usually sleeps until 7:30 or so.

Putting her to sleep for naps and bedtime has gotten so easy! She wants to go to bed. I put her down in her crib awake and just say Night Night and leave. Sometimes she fusses for 2-3 min but usually we never hear a peep from her. And she wakes up all smiles. I had never dared try put her down unless she was almost asleep from rocking, nursing, or a bottle. I wonder if this tactic would have worked a lot sooner and I was just afraid to try? I will never know. But, I did have to listen to 5 min or so of crying the first few times and I don't think I felt ready for that until she was 6 months old.

I have officially stopped nursing now. So I made it just over 6 months. Skylar just lost interest -- it was too boring. And, she was very used to the bottle since I had been pumping for the last 2 months so the caregivers could feed her while I worked. I miss it a little but I must admit that the freedom is nice. And, because Skylar no longer enjoyed it I knew it was time to stop. She is much more interested in food than the bottle anyway. She likes her pureed veggies (not so much into fruit) but loves staring at the food on adult plates. She longs for it. It is so cute.

I really love this girl with all of my heart. She brings joy to my entire family. And, my family has gotten so much closer since her birth. I see my grandmother, aunt, and cousins every week. I see my uncle much more often and I see my Mom multiple times a week. She is a blessing.

Big smiles!

It is so nice to say that the difficult times are behind me. I enjoy my time with Skylalr so much. She is changing and surprising me everyday. She is such a happy baby and smiling all of the time. It has been hard to catch her smiles in photos but this one did. :)

M and I had a big talk/fight about his involvement. Although tough it was good to communicate. And, he has been much more help lately and it shows in his relationship with Skylar. She is much happier and more comfortable in his arms. He even put her to bed the past 2 nights! That makes me happy too!

She is also much easier to take places and I think that has to do with me relaxing more. I don't try to schedule feedings -- I just go woth the flow. And, I alternate between breastfeeding and bottle feeding since she has grown so accustomed to the bottle and my milk supply has decreased a bit since going back to work (although I pump 3 times a day). I am happy that I have made it 6 months and she is still getting the benefit of breastmilk at least half+ of the time.

Last night I had a horrible dream that Skylar died in an accident at a restaurant that I partially caused. I was devastated and screaming. It was disturbing but it really reinforced for me how much I love this little person. She has become my everything and I couldn't be happier. The first 3 months were brutal but it is definitely worth it!

Really loving this motherhood stuff

So, I can officially say I am really starting to enjoy being a Mom. Skylar is getting her own distinct personality and she is always smiling at me with her two little bottom teeth poking out like a Jack o Lantern. She squeals and laughs and tries to do a raspberry. She is the cutest.

The picture above is from a wedding we attended this past weekend. She is all dressed up!

I have started putting her to bed earlier (by 8) and that has really helped her evening fussiness. An overtired baby is an unhappy baby. She has her on and off nights with sleep. Sometimes she sleeps a miraculous 11-12 hours and other times she wakes 2-3 times in a night. The frequent waking is not the norm so I feel lucky. But, I do treasure the marathon sleep nights.

I must admit that I am a little disappointed in the amount of help that M is. He just hasn't assumed the father role I hoped he would. Don't get me wrong -- he loves Skylar to bits but he doesn't spend a lot of time holding her and is not patient enough to spend long times playing with her. I think he expects her to just sit there and watch TV with him. I know men and women are different but I do know some Men who just fall in love with their babies right away and can't get enough of them. That really isn't M and I am learning to accept that -- as much as it hurts to do so. It really makes me question whether I could even have another child with him because I would need his help and support even more so with 2. I can only do so much working full time and caring for Skylar. Anyway -- enough complaining.

Happy Baby

Skylar looks so happy in this picture, I had to post it.

Back in Action

Well, that move to the new Google account got me very confused. And, I couldn't login or post my comments on other blogs. So, I am sorry if it seemed to some that I dropped off the face of the earth. I did not, and have been reading all of your blogs.

Note: Demeter, I cannot view your blog now. It seems I do not have permission and was not able to contact you.

Well, Skylar will be 5 months this week! I cannot believe how time has flown since we got out of the hospital. She is so much fun now. And such a happier baby. She smiles all of the time, grabs everything in sight, and is still a good sleeper at 8-10 hours a night. (Although last night she was up at 2am and 5:30am needing to eat before sleeping in until 9am -- strange!)

I don't know if it is Skylar's age and new demeanor or the anti-depressant/anxiety meds I am taking (or all three) but I have been feeling great and really enjoying being a Mom. She really is the apple of my eye. And it is so awesome to see her recognize me from across the room and flash me a huge smile. She also always tries to eat my hair and nose.

My hair, by the way, is falling out in clumps. This started at 3.5 months and I hope it slows down soon. I find my hair everywhere! Even in Skylar's diaper. Thank god I have a lot of hair.

I am now back to work. This was the most stressful part to me but it seems to be going well so far. (I have been back for a week and a half.) As you may remember, I work from home. So, I have a nanny come to my house 2 days a week from 9-5. And, 3 days a week I take Skylar and my computer to my Grandmother's house where she cares for Skylar from 8:45 to 2pm. So, I am always in the same place. And, I have been pumping so she is still getting breast milk. Although I do supplement with formula now because it is hard to keep up with her appetite pumping.

The nanny I hired is wonderful. Very loving and great with Skylar. But, phew -- childcare us expensive. That is why I only have her 2 days a week. Plus, I think it is wonderful that Skylar can spend time with her Great Grandmother. And it really gives my Grandmother a sense of purpose to care for her.

I do not put in a full 40 hours but it seems to be working OK so far. When I get busier I will have the extend the days where I only work until 2.

I have mixed feelings about working. Sometimes I like the baby break but I also miss being with my little pumpkin all day long. But, I think my situation is ideal as you can get (while still working) since I can see her and hold her whenever I want. Also, I got a raise and promotion while on maternity leave which made going back to work worth it financially. At this point, I am still the main breadwinner in the family (much to M's dismay.) But, M's company is growing and he is doing so well there with a recent promotion as well.

Anyway -- I better get back to work as it is my short day and Skylar decided to sleep until 9am and I didn't have the heart to wake her so I started late as well.

Nightmare

Well, I have been out of touch because Skylar has been in and out of the hospital since Saint Patrick's Day (3/17). On that day, Skylar vomited than proceeded to scream in pain for almost an hour. She looked pale and was cold and clammy. I took her temperature 3 times and it was quite low (in the high 95s). I called my pediatrician and they told me to go to urgent care.

M was out of town so I called my Mom and she immediately drove to my house. We loaded Skylar up and headed to urgent care. She continued to cry. The wait there was almost 2 hours and Skylar would not nurse. She also had diarrhea. By the time we were seen she was very lethargic. The Dr thought she was ill and dehydrated and advised us to go to the ER for IV fluids. We headed to the hospital but stopped at home to change Skylar because she had soiled her clothes. At home she was limp. I changed her diaper and found bloody stools. I started to cry and headed to the ER.

We were seen promptly, the Skylar passed another very bloody stool and was almost unconscious. I really thought I would lose her. One of the nurses had watery eyes. They started an IV, took a chest X-ray and called the Children's Hospital. A transport team was sent. We spent 5 days and 4 nights at the hospital and underwent numerous tests. Everything was negative. We had no explanation. The Drs were, however, interested in her cyst. (Remember they found a cyst in utero?) She improved and they finally released us under the assumption she had an intestinal blockage that cleared. We were so happy to go home but nervous because the diagnosis was not clear.

5 days later Skylar started to have abdominal pain. Her stomach would grumble loudly and she would scream in pain. I called my pediatrician and they thought it was gas pains. They continued and I knew something was wrong. The pains started to occur every 5 - 20 minutes. Then they started to awaken Skylar from her sleep. I went to the pediatricians first thing in the morning. They sent me to the ER at the Children's hospital.

It seemed like they didn't take me seriously. But, at my insistence, they did an ultrasound and a CT scan. The CT scan showed that the cyst that they thought was ovarian was actually near her intestines and obstructing her small bowel. Her body was cramping to pass food through her intestines. They scheduled surgery for the next day. They removed a 2 inch cyst from her small intenstines as well as part of her small intestines. They said she was likely in pain for some time. (Poor thing -- no wonder she was fussy) We spent 7 nights in the hospital (it was hell -- there are no private rooms and I never left her.) But now she is recovering well, eating, and passing her food.

She has smiled more in the past 2 days than she ever has. I am exhausted but relieved. I love her so much! This ordeal proved it to me even more. I am so proud to be her mother. She is so brave, strong, and special. This experience made us a stronger family and I am blessed to have such a strong support network.

Now I must go and try to get my first night's sleep in 7 days! Wish me luck...

A quick check in

It has been hard to find time to write but I have a few moments so wanted to check in.

I am doing MUCH better. I don't know if it is just time, the medication, or Skylar's more pleasant demeanor (or a combination of all three) that has made the past few weeks so much better.

My anxiety has decreased a lot and I am sleeping well. Skylar is averaging 8 hours a night so that has been wonderful. She is also a lot less fussy (except for in the evenings) which makes the days easier. She smiles and coos and can entertain herself for periods of time. She still likes to be held much of the time -- but who doesn't? ) The breastfeeding is still going well and she will take a bottle from me and others when I have time to pump.

I extended my maternity leave to the end of April when Skylar will be 5 months. I just felt that 4 montsh was too small to have her in the care of others. I do work from home so will always be in the same place, but I need assistance to get my work done. My grandmother will likely watch her 3 days a week -- I will go to her home so she doesn't have to drive. And, I will bring someone in my home to assist 2 days a week. I am hoping that the nanny my mother used for my younger brother and sister (who I have known for 15 years and was at my wedding) will be available because she is like part of the family. And, she helps me practice my Spanish which is getting rusty.

Anyway -- things are coming together and I am starting to feel like my old self and enjoy motherhood more. It is still hard and I am still tired but I am not unhappy and stressed all of the time. It is hard to make time for "romance" in my life with M because I fall asleep shortly after Skylar does each night, but I am hoping it will get easier to make time for that important element.

Anyway -- I better go since I have to get back to my sweet little girl...

Good Days Too

I am sure my last post was a bit alarming. But, I was feeling pretty low. I do have good days too.I think I knew for quite some time that I was experiencing Post Partum Depression. Mine is more in the form of anxiety than depression. I don't weep, I am just an anxious ball much of the day. It had gotten so that even small tasks seemed overwhelming and I did not feel hopeful for the future. This is strange for me being such a "doer." So, I have felt like my identity had been taken away.

And, the responsibility of a little life 24 X 7 is overwhleming. Plus, Skylar has been a bit of a fussy baby. Although at 11 weeks it has gotten a lot easier. She can entertain herself more and I can have a little tiny bit of free time. But, all that said, being house bound is tough for me. I do try to take her out a bit -- but a trip to the store or a walk around the block is not that liberating. I am trying to get over my fear of taking her out because of fussing. Babies cry. I have to realize that.

Skylar has, however, been an excellent sleeper. She has slept an average of 9 hours a night for 6 of the last 8 nights! It is a pleasant surprise since I am breastfeeding and many say breastfed babies don't often sleep such long stretches. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of insomnia so I have not been taking advantage of the time. Although last night I slept pretty well for the first time in a few days.

Skylar is smiling more and more and I feel more love for her each day. I am now just trying to manage my anxiety and stress. I never wish she wasn't here -- I thank God for her. She is a blessing. But, I do mourn my old life and often wonder if I can make it through day after day of her care. I know that I can just sometimes it is hard to realize it.

As for help, I have seen a therapist and went to a local support group. My OB also prescribed me some medication (anti-anxiety -- anti-depression) which she and my pediatrician assured me was safe while nursing. I felt uncomfortable about meds at first but after speaking with so many friends and others who got great benefits from them, I felt a bit better. Hopefully it will work and I can be my old self again. I am sad that this time is meant to be so joyous and sometimes I am crippled by anxiety.

I just tell myself that "I will get through this!" I will.

Some Dark Days

I have not posted in awhile because I have been really struggling. I have been diagnosed with PostPartum Depression. I am filled with anxiety most days and wake up wondering if I can make it through the day.

Skylar is doing well despite my troubles. I love her as much as ever but feel great grief many days. I am overwhlemed by motherhood and everyday tasks. I am not myself.

I am getting help from friends and family and have gone to seek assistance. Please keep me in yout thoughts. This is a rough time for me.

Daddy Duty

So I left Skylar with M last night for the first really long stretch (from 6 pm to 12:30 am) so I could see a concert for a girlfriend's birthday. I was so stressed about it, I almost cancelled but M insisted. And, I realized I needed to go so I could realize that I could do it. That M could care for her. I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel such a great responsibility for Skylar and I feel very alone in that.

Well, I left at about 6 pm and Skylar was screaming. It was so hard to leave but M made me go and seemed quite offended that I thought he couldn't handle it. I left 2 bottles of expressed milk so he could feed her. I was stressed about how well she would take a bottle because sometimes she fights the bottle. I have been trying to give her a bottle of breastmilk every day or every other day to keep bottles an option.

I did pretty well all night and didn't stress out and tried to enjoy myself. But, I was racing home as soon as the concert was over. I knew M would not call and check in because he wanted me to relax and not think about home for 1 night. When I got home all was quiet. They were both sleeping. I asked M how it went and he told me she cried pretty hard for the first 45 min then fell asleep at about 7 pm. And, she never woke up! He never fed her, she slept the entire time. I went to sleep at 1 am and she woke up at 2 am. She slept from 7 pm to 2 am after a 5 pm feeding. The longest stretch ever. Dad sure had it easy! And, I never got to see how the bottle feeding went.

Anyway, I was relieved that all was well. But, boy did I miss her. This am we laid in bed playing and she gave me some of the biggest smiles! It is so exciting to have her finally responding to me, I cant wait to her to hear the word Mama. I know it is a long time coming, but it will come! :)

Ch Ch Ch Changes

It is hard to express how much your life changes with a baby. I feel very blessed to have Skylar and my love for her is immeasurable, but I cannot pretend the life change has not been extremely difficult for me. It definitely has.

Often times I am filled with anxiety for the day ahead. I mourn my old life at times. The time and responsibility of motherhood is overwhelming. I think breastfeeding is a large contributors to my stress because I know that Skylar is physically dependent on me for sustenance. I worry about leaving her with others (even M) because she will often fight taking a bottle of expressed breastmilk. She will take it though but the thought of her fussy and crying makes me crazy.

M just went out of town for business and I think that has been a contributor. I so need his companionship in the pm after being with the baby all day. I do not envy single mothers because spousal love and support is so important for me.

The one person I feel comfortable with is my mother. She has been a dream. She comes to help all of the time and is really familiar with Skylar and how to soothe her and care for her. I feel at ease when she is here and with my daughter. I told her I wish that I could just go live with her for awhile. She though that was sweet. A friend told me that in Japan (I think she said Japan) that women move in with their mothers (leaving their husbands) for the first few months of their infant's lives. makes sense to me!

All of my stressing aside, Skylar is doing great. She is growing and changing. She has started to smile at me and is much more responsive. She is beautiful. She just went through her 6 week growth spurt (lots of fussing and feeding) which was tough (and hopefully over). She is generally a mellow and happy baby. She likes to go to sleep early (between 8 and 9) which creates a 1 am to 2 am feeding for me and then again between 5:45 and 7. But, I don't mind because the 1-2 hours in the pm with M is treasured. We can gaze at peaceful Skylar and relax together and realize that it is all worth it for this precious baby.

Settling in?

The last few days with Skylar have been great. She is a really good baby. She has been a great night sleeper and now it seems she is napping more in the day and eating well and farther apart (approx 3 hours). That is good because I start to feel like a walking milk truck. :)

It has been a hard adjustment but I am feeling more a more comfortable and more capable to handle all of the responsibility.

M has been sick so hasn't been much help over the ast week. I started to feel like he was "milking" the sickness to be less hands on and had a serious talk with him about my need for his support and to bond with the baby. At this young age babies are just not that responsive so I can tell it is hard for him to connect. He was sweet and promised to make more of an effort. And, the last 2 days he has been great -- helping me out, singing to her, soothing her, etc. It has really helped.

I can't imagine doing this alone and I applaud the strength and courage of single moms out there.

Woops -- Skylar is calling -- gotta run!

Small Victory

Today I got out of the house with Skylar and took a 40 minute walk then stopped at the grocery store for a few items. A small victory! It is hard for me to be house bound, but I know that caring for my daughter is myu job now.

She is more beautiful every day.

Mother

I realize that is what defines me now at this time in my life I am a mother. I don't really have time for anything else. Being a type A person who feels that I must always be productive and active, life at home with baby has been a challenge. I often don't have time to address a letter, send an e-mail, or put in a load of laundry. I am trying to learn that this is OK. My friends and family have emphasized that this is my time to take care of Skylar -- nothing else. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with this. For some reason, I thought I would be able to care for Skylar and do everything else. That is just not the case. She needs me -- constantly. And, I love her more and more each day.

M has been a great help. He gets my meals, does the dishes, shopping etc. He can't do too much with Skylar because I am the food source (although I have pumped breast milk so he can give her a bottle and I can get out of the house to shop or get my nails done.). But, he is learning to care for her and bond with her as well. She looks more like him everyday.

Skylar is now 4 1/2 weeks old. She has changed so much! Last night M and I had our first night away to go see a Laker game. My mother babysat Skylar and I pumped milk for her. I was away from 6 pm to 11 pm. It was a bit difficult but I did not call home and tried to enjoy myself. I did but thought of my little girl often. When I returned home, Skylar was sleeping in my Mom's arms. All was well. And she continued to sleep until 4 am! That is a 6 hour stretch. We truly had a night off!

I must admit that motherhood is MUCH harder than I expected. It is not just your life + a cute baby. It is all encompassing and a drastic life change. But, I know that as the time passes and Skylar begins to smile at me and respond to me more and more, I will fall more and more in love with her (if that is possible.)

It is strange to look back at my TTC posts. It seems that the focus is pregnancy and motherhood never really sinks in. Pregnancy was great for me...motherhood is a challenge. But I know that it is motherhood that I truly craved...and it is a challenge that I will rise to. A new little person has entered the world because of the love I have for M and the desire I have to nurture. It is an awesome feeling....I must remember that at 4 am when I am tired and nursing my little one. )

Where does the time go?

Well, it has been hard to post to my Blog to say the least.

Life with Skylar is busy but wonderful. She is already 3.5 weeks old! She is the love of my life.

Motherhood has been quite an adjustment. I have spent days weeping because it is all so overwhelming. She needs me all of the time. And, breastfeeding is no easy feat. At 2 weeks she needed to eat almost hourly and each nursing session spanned an hour so that is all I did. I felt like something was wrong but everyone I spoke to assured me it was a growth spurt and it would pass. It has, phew! That week was tough with constant feeding and the cries of a hungry baby in between.

Things ha ve settled a bit but the stress hit me hard and I lost my appetite. I believe I have lost almost all of the baby weight and am in my old jeans already. That was a surprise.

As we turned past week 2 and into week 3 things have gotten much easier and she seldom cried for more than 5 minutes. Now, she spends much of her time quiet and alert-- taking in the world. She has been a great sleeper as well. She often has 4 to 6 hour stretches at night which really helps me get through the days.

My mother has been a dream and has been over at my house often to help. She is a smitten Grandma (although is searching for a name other than Grandma so she doesn't feel so old -- we are almost settled on Gammie.) Through this entire experience I have really discovered how many wonderful supportive friends I have. We have had many visitors, many meals brought to us, mountains of gifts for Skylar and so much love. We are blessed.

I know she is worth all of the hard work.