Blood relative?

It is amazing how different you can be from your family. The link below is a letter from my cousin. He actually sent a very similar version to me, my sis, and Dad before he left for Iraq.

http://www.bobbeauprez.com/farwell-letter-from-a-marine

I know we need people like him out there to protect and serve our country. I also know that I will never understand him or try to.

Who the heck is Bob Beauprez?

FYI - Tedd has returned safely from Iraq. Hopefully he is not itching to get back out there again.

Vegas..sans Baby!

So, the trip to Vegas was great! Filled with drinking and general debauchery. We loved the Red Rock Resort and Casino. Even though it was off the strip (about 15 min) it had great restaurants, a great pool (see below), excellent service, and a pretty good nightclub. (Although who really knows since any place is fun if you are drinking it up with friends). My one complaint about the Red Rock is that they had too much chlorine/chemicals in the jacuzzi which gave us a rash and burned the leg hair off of M. I will not mentioned what it did to his nether regions but I will tell you that it wasn't pretty...we wrote a letter as good consumers. Or as people just hoping for some free stuff for next time. ;)

View of the pool from our room.

M and me

Margarita Time with the some of the girls

The Boys

More of the girls

PSA: I would not take kids/toddlers to Vegas. It is an adult destination in my opinion. Some kids got in the jacuzzi with our group (we are talking 18 month olds to 8 year olds) and it was a buzz kill to say the least. Not to mention the language that comes our of some people's mouths. I felt like a school teacher reminding people in my group (and others) to watch the F-bombs with kids present. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas is the new motto...NOT the happiest place on earth.

I am an Auntie and feel so proud...

She is beautiful, my sister was a trooper! I was worried about her because she tends to be so fearful but she took on the first step in motherhood like she was born to do it. I love them both so much!

Charlotte made her Grand Entrance today May 29, 2008 at 9:50 am weighing in at a healthy 7 lb. 4 oz. and 20' long. I love her already and can't love my sister any more than I already do.

Some pics... Will post more later....

She hates this pic but I think she looks beautiful!

Getting my hands on her!

Cutie patootie

The Countdown

Skylar and Molly beating the heat in OC

(no I will never say "the OC" -- lame)

My sister is having some pre-labor contractions and just found out she is 2 cm dilated and 65% effaced. She seems to have somewhat regular contractions at 2 hour intervals right now. But only time will really tell if they are regular.

I am so excited for her and to have another baby in the family. Skylar has been our focus for the past 17 months and it will be neat to shine the limelight on my sister and Charlotte. I can't wait to squeeze the new baby. I have a feeling (and am hoping) they get a mellow baby. The shock of having a baby is so tough I would hate to have my sis deal with the fussiness and anxiety I did. One case of PPD in the family is enough I say!

I definitely think I have some baby fever. And, I would love to be pg again -- although not drinking wine for 9 months seems almost impossible. Wow, I sound like an alchy.. maybe I am, in a way? But the night time it the right time for a glass of vino. Is that an old Miller commercial?

Speaking of alcoholics -- we are off to Vegas this weekend for some real debauchery. We are going with some very party-focused friends so I know it will be a sloppy affair. This will be my 3rd trip away from Skylar overnight. As she gets older it gets allot easier. She is just a happy friendly kid and does well with my family. She is also a great sleeper now. My Mom will be staying at our house so she will even be in her own crib which will make it even easier. Uh oh better hide the porn and paraphernalia with Mom in our bedroom. ;)

Speaking of bedroom, M and I are still getting along really well even without tons o' s-e-x (I get tired on the weeknights.) He was away last weekend but has seemed genuinely thrilled to be home with us and very affectionate (OK --still the butt grabbing kind but men are not subtle.) So, I will not ruin it with a baby discussion but am hoping we can broach the topic in a few months and I can arise victorious. Just one more baby -- one teeny tiny baby to give us 6+ months of hell and a lifetime of happiness. ;)

Mama's Day

For Mother's Day my mother, grandmother, prego sister, and I went out to brunch on Sat. It was a nice restuarant and S is getting to the age where she is a bit too restless for a leisurely brunch so she stayed home with Daddy. We did get a great picture of 3 generations (4 if you count the one in utero). Yes, I know my sister and I look alike. No, we are not twins. She is older by 14 months.



I do hope I age as well as my Mom and Gma! I think they are 2 hot Mamas!

The secret of marriage

S - E- X!


Guess it is not really a secret. But, we all know how important it is to men, women too, but magnify it by 50 (or more) for men. They just think about sex..allot. Allot, allot.

It has been no secret that M and I have had some rough times lately. Marriage is hard -- raising kids is hard -- being with someone for over 8 years (!) is hard. One of my big beefs is that he is not that "nice" to me a lot of the times. He teases and is moody and watches way too much basketball or anything else involving a ball. And, often he doesn't help as much as I would like with S. So, quite frankly I have been tired and not too interested in getting frisky with my moody man who is not always that sweet. So, we have been a bit lacking in that department. (Well if lacking is 2 times a week on a bad week -- I think we are pretty good compared to some! No?)

Well -- this weekend we got a bit sloshed on Friday and some flood gates in the nooky department were opened later that evening. I was Queen o' the Castle on Saturday so we kept it up and the rest of the weekend followed suit. Mother's Day was great -- M made me B-fast in bed, took me shopping (with S and the dog), got me 2 sweet cards (one from him and one from S), did dishes, folded my laundry (!). And when I thanked him he said "Everyday should be Mother's Day for you." So sweet...

This AM I got lots of kisses and sweet e-mail telling me how much he loves me. Maybe it wasn't only the dirty dancing but I am totally convinced it helped...

So ladies, get to it, you might be glad you did. ;)

Fun in the sun!

A good day family day at the pool with my sister, brother in law, and Skylar's cousin to be.

With daddy

Doesn't Uncle C know that Skylar will never drink the silver bullet. She prefers wine.

With Mom. Hey, that VS push up swimsuit may be working. I look like an A+ cup -- woo hoo

Kissing cousin Charlotte

Different day but with my best friend's kids at her pool.

Friends

I love this picture of Skylar because it captures her so well to me. Sweet, happy, just happy to be there even if the other kids have pushed her in the back in her own crib, and always looking to see that Mommy and Daddy are nearby to smile at.

Count Down to the New Baby C

Yep -- my older sis is going to have her baby girl in just 6 short weeks! She is naming her Charlotte Nicole so Baby C she will be.

I am so excited for sis and for Skylar. She will LOVE to have a cousin. And, if they are as close as my sis and I are it will be a lifelong friendship. If M chooses to never get on board for Baby #2, at least I can try and make this cousin relationship as close and rich as it can be.

I can't say I am not a little worried for sis. Having a baby kicked my butt and sometimes I feel like I can handle a bit more than her. However, I am sure she will rise to the occasion. And watch, she will have the calmest, mellowest - sleep all the time baby and not a hint of PPD. Which is probably good because my sister would not be so quick to take meds. She is much for fearful than me. And, was never the drug experimenter in her part days like me. Too afraid that she would drop dead at the first pill, sniff, smoke, etc. I was with her when she smoked pot once and thought she couldn't breathe or move...good memories. ;)

Speaking of meds...I have been off the meds I was prescribed for post partum depression (PPD) for a month and no problem at all! I never intended to stay on them a year but my OB recommended it. And, I was afraid getting off of them would be tough as I have 3 friends who just could not. I must admit that there were side effects or "withdrawals" per se even though I weaned off in 6 weeks. But nothing major, just annoying.

Now I feel good and I have proven to myself that i wasn't just happy because of the medication. I am actually happy! And, I had noted that I was not stressed at work no matter how heavy the load. That too has not gone away, so perhaps I have been re-wired? Maybe PPD was a good thing for me.

That said, I wouldn't hesitate to go back on meds after Baby #2 if need be. It was a life saver for me and with 2 kids I may need a double dose. ;) Let's see if M starts leaning in the baby direction anytime soon. Skylar has been super cute lately so that always helps the cause.

Not so sad...

OK, I have recovered from my last post. For now... M got a wind of my blubbering and it has been Be Nice to Me week -- well at least so far at Tues PM. Sad that I have to have a concerted effort but I will take what I can get. I did not mention anything about Baby #2 cause I know not to stir that pot, but I did make a case for more affection, less sarcasm, more appreciation of the prize of a wife he has. He took it heart.

It seems all the men I have involved myself with have been moody guys (my sis too.) My Mom says my Dad was moody (he is still around but they have been divorced some 25 years.) Maybe this is catchy in my family.

My sis and I are the happy go lucky, silver lining, let's just have a good time type of gals. We loved Pollyanna (and Little House) and still do. Oh Skylar is going to be watching her some Little House -- I am buying every season on DVD. Every girl should watch Little House to follow the trials and tribulations of Half Pint and the Walnut Creek gang as they grow up on the Prairie. The good ol days...

Strange tangent and I will leave it at that because I actually have to do some work - at 8:30 pm. Boo. Well, I don't have to but a head start means I can sneak out to the gym during my work day and cut out early as I had planned for dinner with a friend.

I'm sad...

Things with M and I have been tough. Having a child has been hard on our relationship. I guess I expect more from him as a husband and father than he is prepared or able or willing to give.

It has hit home more lately because I would like to start thinking about another child (I would like to start trying at the end of summer with an ideal 3 year age difference.) M is pretty adamant about only having one. he says he "does not want to live for his kids" and is "too selfish" to have another. He doesn't want to give up anything more and does not want to do anything just for someone else (i.e., Skylar and me). It makes me incredibly sad because I think a sibling is very important for Skylar. And, it makes me sad that having this wonderful little being doesn't make him want to fill the house with more.

I do a lot for Skylar on my own, most things actually. And M does his own things often -- trips with friends, nights out, etc. (Although he thinks differently) I manage on my own. And, although I am extremely capable it is lonely for me sometimes. Hell, I could have 2 kids on my own, and support my family, but who wants to?

Everyone always said to think about the man you marry in terms of what kind of father he would be, and I guess I just couldn't tell or I just assumed all of the things I love about him would come to the forefront when it came to family. He is GREAT FATHER extremely patient, loving, and sweet with Skylar. He just isn't a "family man". That is, he doesn't want to see himself that way and he is fighting it tooth and nail. It's as if he wants to be forever 25 -- partying, hanging with the guys, going to clubs, etc. I thought this would pass...Not yet I guess.

Maye I am, too hard on him today or just venting, but it makes me sad. I just wish I had the hubby who wanted a boat load of kids, was excited when I was pregnant, loved family get togethers, dreamed ahead about large Thanksgivings with the kids back from college, wanted Skylar to know the closeness of siblings, loved family times at home, etc. But, you can't change people and I do love him immensely. It is just hard to see why through my tears right now.

OK, am soaking the keyboard...gotta go...

Spitting image of her Dad...

Yea, yea, yea. I get it, my daughter looks like her father. She doesn't look anything like me. Her light hair and round face are light years away from my dark hair and long face. But, I promise you, she came out of me...I witnessed it!

(I could even post a picture to prove it. I have the best picture of Skylar's head poking out and me smiling. The angle is perfect so it is totally PG-13, but no, I won't post it lest I become an Internet phenomenon.)

Anyway -- I can't tell you how many times a week I hear about how she looks like dad and not me. Even strangers say"She must look like her father." And everytime I send out a new batch of photos via email I get about 5-10 replies of -- Wow she looks like Daddy, etc.

It doesn't really bother me, because I agree -- she looks alot like her papa. It is just funny that no one sees me in there....because I do! (My sister does too but she knows me better than anyone.)

So, I found an old pic of me circa 1976 (?) It is old and tattered but I think this is proof that Skylar looks like me. In fact, I didn't look anything like I do now when I was a kid. I too had arounder face and lighter hair (I dye it people). And, no baby is born with my long "roman" nose.

So here it is -- proof! HA! What a cute kid I was... :)

If you are happy and you know it

Clap your hands! OK, this kid is just making me crazy happy. She is such a happy, friendly, sweet girl. She has started carrying around a blanket and saying "Baby Baby" so I can swaddle her up and snuggle her. She gives me wet kisses on the lips. She says "bum bum" and slaps my butt twice (one of my proudest Skylar tricks.) She says "binky!" when she passes gas (that is my family word - yes it was weird when I heard people call pacifiers that - gross!)

She manhandles the dog because she wants to squeeze him and love him -- a la Lenny of Of Mice and Men. Love her...please don't kill the doggie.

No More Martha Stewart

OK, so this whole hostess thing has got to stop or at least take a hiatus until the Baby Shower I am throwing on 4/26. I am going 3 weekends in a row throwing dinners, playdates, BBQs for old friends and new friends and I am tired. I LOVE entertaining and having some drinks with people I enjoy but, I prep and I clean and I shop and I take care of Skylar and I take care of hubby and I am one tired lady.

The 8 people and 2 kids we had over tonight left at 8:00 which meant Skylar didn't go down until 8:45 which is late for my bumpkin even though she loved every minute of it. I HAD to keep her up to give her a bath 'cuz Dady watched her Friday which means no bath, we were in San Diego last night for another shin dig -- no bath and sleeping in the car until I made the crib transfer, so at risk of neglecting my poor skanky kid my tired ass had to run and bath and play with ducks, etc. Just a long day! And, she has started the awful habit of getting up about 6:15 (as opposed to her normal 7:45) and Momma needs that 90 minutes. I am NOT a morning person. I would prefer at 2 am waking to a 6:15 and up for the day. But, she sleeps through the night so what am I complaining about.

Today all the peeps were from my husband's work. I had met two of the wives before and they are quite nice. The new one is a yougin at 23 and was very 23 if you know what I mean. As I shuffled sround in preparation I stopped and told myself, "Who cares if they happen to not like you." I am 35 years old and I still want people to like me, how pathetic. (OK I am 36 but close enough) But, I am a people pleaser, that is my nature and I don't think I reallywant to change it. The only thing I need to change is caring what someone I would never be friends with thinks about me.

Anyway -- I am dog tied but I made a committment to keep this blogging thing up so here I am in my jam jmas while hubby is watching the Lakers. I think I will snuggle up to the Kite Runner -- hope hubs is not feelin frisky but who am I kidding? ;)

Sorry hunny

I forgot my hubby says I cannot call Jennifer Lopez J.Lo or Sean Combs P Diddy, or whatever. Too stupid to participate in he says...

My apologies.

Ugh another reason to dislike J.Lo

Ok, I am happy she had twins -- yea for her. Although I read a long time ago she was one of the naive ones who thought twins would be agood way to "get it all done with at once." Heck, I said it too, before Baby that is.

1 baby is a sh%!t load of work, I cannot imagine 2 at once. Eee gads! But, I am also not filthy rich and a diva with help coming out of the wazoo.

Anyway -- it was evident she struggled to get pg. And, when she was announced to be carrying twins, I thought - yea, her treatments worked. I assumed IVF but I don't know. There had to be some mulit-egg dropping stimulants going on in there.

Cut to a recent trash mag where she says twins run in my family and Marc's family. "This really happened naturally, believe it or not. "

I call BS! Man up Jenny from the Block, what is wrong with fertility treatments? Argh...You may not have had IVF but something was going on sista, I would bet some bling bling and an extra large g-string on that one.

A Little Celebrity

That is definitely what she is in our home! She has a smile that will light up a room and she is so smart she amazes me on a daily basis. These little brains are like sponges. Her language has just taken off and it is new words everyday. I even have her counting to 5 but I am sure she doesn't know what I mean, just repeating a sequence that is fun to watch because fingers are associated.

Anyway -- I will post more later, just wanted to share this picture!

Remember Us?

Wow, it has been forever since we posted. 6 months actually. I couldn't login. I don't know why. I tried to respond to numerous other blogs and just couldn't do it. I don't know why it took me forever to realize I could just reset the darn password.

Anyway, here I am now. I cannot guarantee I will keep up the good habit since life with a toddler is demanding. But, I am here now. :)

Skylar is 13 1/2 months and great. She is walking and off the bottle. She feeds herself with a spoon and speaks some words. She is adorable and has won over all of us. She looks like

her Dad, as she always has. But ha sher Mom's gift of gab. She is constantly talking in her own little language with a few English words thrown in. She says Ball, RuRuRu (for dog), Daddy, Nose, Poo poo (nice), Wow, Uh oh, Up, Down, etc. She makes a MMM sound but I am not yet convinced it is Mom. I think she is incredibly bright (what Mom doesn't).

What else is going on...we bought a new home and I spent a good few months remodeling it. I really enjoyed it and we love our new home. It is a large one story, perefct for entertaining. There is a yard for Skylar --w ith playhouse -- and we have a bonus room with all of her stuff and room to play. It is wonderful.

She is sleeping 12+ hours a night. No night wakings -- at least not for the last 10 days (life always changes). Getting molars was rough but other than that is has been good.

I knwo I just got back but it is late and I am tired (Skylar took a marathon 3 1/2 hour nap until 5 so was up until 9 which is not typival since she is usually down by 7:30)

I will post more later -- if anyone is still out there and reading.

Future Heartbreaker!

Her first professional portrait sitting and she was such a sweetie. She is usually so smiley and it was a bit tough getting her to smile because she was to entranced with the photographer, lights, props, etc. But, we got some beautiful pictures.

She is almost 7 months old and will crawl any day now. She is very mobile and scoots across the floor. She loves the new independence. She is also consistently sleeping 12 hours a night which is great for M and I since we have some adult evenings. But, since I am working I do miss spending more time with Skylar. She is my everything.

In the Swing of Things...

Life has taken on a certain level of routine and I think it is good for both Skylar and me! Skylar has a regular schedule with 2 naps a day and bedtime at 7:30 pm. She usually sleeps through the night but has been waking a bit earlier than this mom would like at 6:30. I am not a morning person. I almost prefer when she wakes up to eat once in the night because then she usually sleeps until 7:30 or so.

Putting her to sleep for naps and bedtime has gotten so easy! She wants to go to bed. I put her down in her crib awake and just say Night Night and leave. Sometimes she fusses for 2-3 min but usually we never hear a peep from her. And she wakes up all smiles. I had never dared try put her down unless she was almost asleep from rocking, nursing, or a bottle. I wonder if this tactic would have worked a lot sooner and I was just afraid to try? I will never know. But, I did have to listen to 5 min or so of crying the first few times and I don't think I felt ready for that until she was 6 months old.

I have officially stopped nursing now. So I made it just over 6 months. Skylar just lost interest -- it was too boring. And, she was very used to the bottle since I had been pumping for the last 2 months so the caregivers could feed her while I worked. I miss it a little but I must admit that the freedom is nice. And, because Skylar no longer enjoyed it I knew it was time to stop. She is much more interested in food than the bottle anyway. She likes her pureed veggies (not so much into fruit) but loves staring at the food on adult plates. She longs for it. It is so cute.

I really love this girl with all of my heart. She brings joy to my entire family. And, my family has gotten so much closer since her birth. I see my grandmother, aunt, and cousins every week. I see my uncle much more often and I see my Mom multiple times a week. She is a blessing.

Big smiles!

It is so nice to say that the difficult times are behind me. I enjoy my time with Skylalr so much. She is changing and surprising me everyday. She is such a happy baby and smiling all of the time. It has been hard to catch her smiles in photos but this one did. :)

M and I had a big talk/fight about his involvement. Although tough it was good to communicate. And, he has been much more help lately and it shows in his relationship with Skylar. She is much happier and more comfortable in his arms. He even put her to bed the past 2 nights! That makes me happy too!

She is also much easier to take places and I think that has to do with me relaxing more. I don't try to schedule feedings -- I just go woth the flow. And, I alternate between breastfeeding and bottle feeding since she has grown so accustomed to the bottle and my milk supply has decreased a bit since going back to work (although I pump 3 times a day). I am happy that I have made it 6 months and she is still getting the benefit of breastmilk at least half+ of the time.

Last night I had a horrible dream that Skylar died in an accident at a restaurant that I partially caused. I was devastated and screaming. It was disturbing but it really reinforced for me how much I love this little person. She has become my everything and I couldn't be happier. The first 3 months were brutal but it is definitely worth it!

Really loving this motherhood stuff

So, I can officially say I am really starting to enjoy being a Mom. Skylar is getting her own distinct personality and she is always smiling at me with her two little bottom teeth poking out like a Jack o Lantern. She squeals and laughs and tries to do a raspberry. She is the cutest.

The picture above is from a wedding we attended this past weekend. She is all dressed up!

I have started putting her to bed earlier (by 8) and that has really helped her evening fussiness. An overtired baby is an unhappy baby. She has her on and off nights with sleep. Sometimes she sleeps a miraculous 11-12 hours and other times she wakes 2-3 times in a night. The frequent waking is not the norm so I feel lucky. But, I do treasure the marathon sleep nights.

I must admit that I am a little disappointed in the amount of help that M is. He just hasn't assumed the father role I hoped he would. Don't get me wrong -- he loves Skylar to bits but he doesn't spend a lot of time holding her and is not patient enough to spend long times playing with her. I think he expects her to just sit there and watch TV with him. I know men and women are different but I do know some Men who just fall in love with their babies right away and can't get enough of them. That really isn't M and I am learning to accept that -- as much as it hurts to do so. It really makes me question whether I could even have another child with him because I would need his help and support even more so with 2. I can only do so much working full time and caring for Skylar. Anyway -- enough complaining.

Happy Baby

Skylar looks so happy in this picture, I had to post it.

Back in Action

Well, that move to the new Google account got me very confused. And, I couldn't login or post my comments on other blogs. So, I am sorry if it seemed to some that I dropped off the face of the earth. I did not, and have been reading all of your blogs.

Note: Demeter, I cannot view your blog now. It seems I do not have permission and was not able to contact you.

Well, Skylar will be 5 months this week! I cannot believe how time has flown since we got out of the hospital. She is so much fun now. And such a happier baby. She smiles all of the time, grabs everything in sight, and is still a good sleeper at 8-10 hours a night. (Although last night she was up at 2am and 5:30am needing to eat before sleeping in until 9am -- strange!)

I don't know if it is Skylar's age and new demeanor or the anti-depressant/anxiety meds I am taking (or all three) but I have been feeling great and really enjoying being a Mom. She really is the apple of my eye. And it is so awesome to see her recognize me from across the room and flash me a huge smile. She also always tries to eat my hair and nose.

My hair, by the way, is falling out in clumps. This started at 3.5 months and I hope it slows down soon. I find my hair everywhere! Even in Skylar's diaper. Thank god I have a lot of hair.

I am now back to work. This was the most stressful part to me but it seems to be going well so far. (I have been back for a week and a half.) As you may remember, I work from home. So, I have a nanny come to my house 2 days a week from 9-5. And, 3 days a week I take Skylar and my computer to my Grandmother's house where she cares for Skylar from 8:45 to 2pm. So, I am always in the same place. And, I have been pumping so she is still getting breast milk. Although I do supplement with formula now because it is hard to keep up with her appetite pumping.

The nanny I hired is wonderful. Very loving and great with Skylar. But, phew -- childcare us expensive. That is why I only have her 2 days a week. Plus, I think it is wonderful that Skylar can spend time with her Great Grandmother. And it really gives my Grandmother a sense of purpose to care for her.

I do not put in a full 40 hours but it seems to be working OK so far. When I get busier I will have the extend the days where I only work until 2.

I have mixed feelings about working. Sometimes I like the baby break but I also miss being with my little pumpkin all day long. But, I think my situation is ideal as you can get (while still working) since I can see her and hold her whenever I want. Also, I got a raise and promotion while on maternity leave which made going back to work worth it financially. At this point, I am still the main breadwinner in the family (much to M's dismay.) But, M's company is growing and he is doing so well there with a recent promotion as well.

Anyway -- I better get back to work as it is my short day and Skylar decided to sleep until 9am and I didn't have the heart to wake her so I started late as well.

Nightmare

Well, I have been out of touch because Skylar has been in and out of the hospital since Saint Patrick's Day (3/17). On that day, Skylar vomited than proceeded to scream in pain for almost an hour. She looked pale and was cold and clammy. I took her temperature 3 times and it was quite low (in the high 95s). I called my pediatrician and they told me to go to urgent care.

M was out of town so I called my Mom and she immediately drove to my house. We loaded Skylar up and headed to urgent care. She continued to cry. The wait there was almost 2 hours and Skylar would not nurse. She also had diarrhea. By the time we were seen she was very lethargic. The Dr thought she was ill and dehydrated and advised us to go to the ER for IV fluids. We headed to the hospital but stopped at home to change Skylar because she had soiled her clothes. At home she was limp. I changed her diaper and found bloody stools. I started to cry and headed to the ER.

We were seen promptly, the Skylar passed another very bloody stool and was almost unconscious. I really thought I would lose her. One of the nurses had watery eyes. They started an IV, took a chest X-ray and called the Children's Hospital. A transport team was sent. We spent 5 days and 4 nights at the hospital and underwent numerous tests. Everything was negative. We had no explanation. The Drs were, however, interested in her cyst. (Remember they found a cyst in utero?) She improved and they finally released us under the assumption she had an intestinal blockage that cleared. We were so happy to go home but nervous because the diagnosis was not clear.

5 days later Skylar started to have abdominal pain. Her stomach would grumble loudly and she would scream in pain. I called my pediatrician and they thought it was gas pains. They continued and I knew something was wrong. The pains started to occur every 5 - 20 minutes. Then they started to awaken Skylar from her sleep. I went to the pediatricians first thing in the morning. They sent me to the ER at the Children's hospital.

It seemed like they didn't take me seriously. But, at my insistence, they did an ultrasound and a CT scan. The CT scan showed that the cyst that they thought was ovarian was actually near her intestines and obstructing her small bowel. Her body was cramping to pass food through her intestines. They scheduled surgery for the next day. They removed a 2 inch cyst from her small intenstines as well as part of her small intestines. They said she was likely in pain for some time. (Poor thing -- no wonder she was fussy) We spent 7 nights in the hospital (it was hell -- there are no private rooms and I never left her.) But now she is recovering well, eating, and passing her food.

She has smiled more in the past 2 days than she ever has. I am exhausted but relieved. I love her so much! This ordeal proved it to me even more. I am so proud to be her mother. She is so brave, strong, and special. This experience made us a stronger family and I am blessed to have such a strong support network.

Now I must go and try to get my first night's sleep in 7 days! Wish me luck...

A quick check in

It has been hard to find time to write but I have a few moments so wanted to check in.

I am doing MUCH better. I don't know if it is just time, the medication, or Skylar's more pleasant demeanor (or a combination of all three) that has made the past few weeks so much better.

My anxiety has decreased a lot and I am sleeping well. Skylar is averaging 8 hours a night so that has been wonderful. She is also a lot less fussy (except for in the evenings) which makes the days easier. She smiles and coos and can entertain herself for periods of time. She still likes to be held much of the time -- but who doesn't? ) The breastfeeding is still going well and she will take a bottle from me and others when I have time to pump.

I extended my maternity leave to the end of April when Skylar will be 5 months. I just felt that 4 montsh was too small to have her in the care of others. I do work from home so will always be in the same place, but I need assistance to get my work done. My grandmother will likely watch her 3 days a week -- I will go to her home so she doesn't have to drive. And, I will bring someone in my home to assist 2 days a week. I am hoping that the nanny my mother used for my younger brother and sister (who I have known for 15 years and was at my wedding) will be available because she is like part of the family. And, she helps me practice my Spanish which is getting rusty.

Anyway -- things are coming together and I am starting to feel like my old self and enjoy motherhood more. It is still hard and I am still tired but I am not unhappy and stressed all of the time. It is hard to make time for "romance" in my life with M because I fall asleep shortly after Skylar does each night, but I am hoping it will get easier to make time for that important element.

Anyway -- I better go since I have to get back to my sweet little girl...

Good Days Too

I am sure my last post was a bit alarming. But, I was feeling pretty low. I do have good days too.I think I knew for quite some time that I was experiencing Post Partum Depression. Mine is more in the form of anxiety than depression. I don't weep, I am just an anxious ball much of the day. It had gotten so that even small tasks seemed overwhelming and I did not feel hopeful for the future. This is strange for me being such a "doer." So, I have felt like my identity had been taken away.

And, the responsibility of a little life 24 X 7 is overwhleming. Plus, Skylar has been a bit of a fussy baby. Although at 11 weeks it has gotten a lot easier. She can entertain herself more and I can have a little tiny bit of free time. But, all that said, being house bound is tough for me. I do try to take her out a bit -- but a trip to the store or a walk around the block is not that liberating. I am trying to get over my fear of taking her out because of fussing. Babies cry. I have to realize that.

Skylar has, however, been an excellent sleeper. She has slept an average of 9 hours a night for 6 of the last 8 nights! It is a pleasant surprise since I am breastfeeding and many say breastfed babies don't often sleep such long stretches. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of insomnia so I have not been taking advantage of the time. Although last night I slept pretty well for the first time in a few days.

Skylar is smiling more and more and I feel more love for her each day. I am now just trying to manage my anxiety and stress. I never wish she wasn't here -- I thank God for her. She is a blessing. But, I do mourn my old life and often wonder if I can make it through day after day of her care. I know that I can just sometimes it is hard to realize it.

As for help, I have seen a therapist and went to a local support group. My OB also prescribed me some medication (anti-anxiety -- anti-depression) which she and my pediatrician assured me was safe while nursing. I felt uncomfortable about meds at first but after speaking with so many friends and others who got great benefits from them, I felt a bit better. Hopefully it will work and I can be my old self again. I am sad that this time is meant to be so joyous and sometimes I am crippled by anxiety.

I just tell myself that "I will get through this!" I will.

Some Dark Days

I have not posted in awhile because I have been really struggling. I have been diagnosed with PostPartum Depression. I am filled with anxiety most days and wake up wondering if I can make it through the day.

Skylar is doing well despite my troubles. I love her as much as ever but feel great grief many days. I am overwhlemed by motherhood and everyday tasks. I am not myself.

I am getting help from friends and family and have gone to seek assistance. Please keep me in yout thoughts. This is a rough time for me.

Daddy Duty

So I left Skylar with M last night for the first really long stretch (from 6 pm to 12:30 am) so I could see a concert for a girlfriend's birthday. I was so stressed about it, I almost cancelled but M insisted. And, I realized I needed to go so I could realize that I could do it. That M could care for her. I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel such a great responsibility for Skylar and I feel very alone in that.

Well, I left at about 6 pm and Skylar was screaming. It was so hard to leave but M made me go and seemed quite offended that I thought he couldn't handle it. I left 2 bottles of expressed milk so he could feed her. I was stressed about how well she would take a bottle because sometimes she fights the bottle. I have been trying to give her a bottle of breastmilk every day or every other day to keep bottles an option.

I did pretty well all night and didn't stress out and tried to enjoy myself. But, I was racing home as soon as the concert was over. I knew M would not call and check in because he wanted me to relax and not think about home for 1 night. When I got home all was quiet. They were both sleeping. I asked M how it went and he told me she cried pretty hard for the first 45 min then fell asleep at about 7 pm. And, she never woke up! He never fed her, she slept the entire time. I went to sleep at 1 am and she woke up at 2 am. She slept from 7 pm to 2 am after a 5 pm feeding. The longest stretch ever. Dad sure had it easy! And, I never got to see how the bottle feeding went.

Anyway, I was relieved that all was well. But, boy did I miss her. This am we laid in bed playing and she gave me some of the biggest smiles! It is so exciting to have her finally responding to me, I cant wait to her to hear the word Mama. I know it is a long time coming, but it will come! :)

Ch Ch Ch Changes

It is hard to express how much your life changes with a baby. I feel very blessed to have Skylar and my love for her is immeasurable, but I cannot pretend the life change has not been extremely difficult for me. It definitely has.

Often times I am filled with anxiety for the day ahead. I mourn my old life at times. The time and responsibility of motherhood is overwhelming. I think breastfeeding is a large contributors to my stress because I know that Skylar is physically dependent on me for sustenance. I worry about leaving her with others (even M) because she will often fight taking a bottle of expressed breastmilk. She will take it though but the thought of her fussy and crying makes me crazy.

M just went out of town for business and I think that has been a contributor. I so need his companionship in the pm after being with the baby all day. I do not envy single mothers because spousal love and support is so important for me.

The one person I feel comfortable with is my mother. She has been a dream. She comes to help all of the time and is really familiar with Skylar and how to soothe her and care for her. I feel at ease when she is here and with my daughter. I told her I wish that I could just go live with her for awhile. She though that was sweet. A friend told me that in Japan (I think she said Japan) that women move in with their mothers (leaving their husbands) for the first few months of their infant's lives. makes sense to me!

All of my stressing aside, Skylar is doing great. She is growing and changing. She has started to smile at me and is much more responsive. She is beautiful. She just went through her 6 week growth spurt (lots of fussing and feeding) which was tough (and hopefully over). She is generally a mellow and happy baby. She likes to go to sleep early (between 8 and 9) which creates a 1 am to 2 am feeding for me and then again between 5:45 and 7. But, I don't mind because the 1-2 hours in the pm with M is treasured. We can gaze at peaceful Skylar and relax together and realize that it is all worth it for this precious baby.

Settling in?

The last few days with Skylar have been great. She is a really good baby. She has been a great night sleeper and now it seems she is napping more in the day and eating well and farther apart (approx 3 hours). That is good because I start to feel like a walking milk truck. :)

It has been a hard adjustment but I am feeling more a more comfortable and more capable to handle all of the responsibility.

M has been sick so hasn't been much help over the ast week. I started to feel like he was "milking" the sickness to be less hands on and had a serious talk with him about my need for his support and to bond with the baby. At this young age babies are just not that responsive so I can tell it is hard for him to connect. He was sweet and promised to make more of an effort. And, the last 2 days he has been great -- helping me out, singing to her, soothing her, etc. It has really helped.

I can't imagine doing this alone and I applaud the strength and courage of single moms out there.

Woops -- Skylar is calling -- gotta run!

Small Victory

Today I got out of the house with Skylar and took a 40 minute walk then stopped at the grocery store for a few items. A small victory! It is hard for me to be house bound, but I know that caring for my daughter is myu job now.

She is more beautiful every day.

Mother

I realize that is what defines me now at this time in my life I am a mother. I don't really have time for anything else. Being a type A person who feels that I must always be productive and active, life at home with baby has been a challenge. I often don't have time to address a letter, send an e-mail, or put in a load of laundry. I am trying to learn that this is OK. My friends and family have emphasized that this is my time to take care of Skylar -- nothing else. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with this. For some reason, I thought I would be able to care for Skylar and do everything else. That is just not the case. She needs me -- constantly. And, I love her more and more each day.

M has been a great help. He gets my meals, does the dishes, shopping etc. He can't do too much with Skylar because I am the food source (although I have pumped breast milk so he can give her a bottle and I can get out of the house to shop or get my nails done.). But, he is learning to care for her and bond with her as well. She looks more like him everyday.

Skylar is now 4 1/2 weeks old. She has changed so much! Last night M and I had our first night away to go see a Laker game. My mother babysat Skylar and I pumped milk for her. I was away from 6 pm to 11 pm. It was a bit difficult but I did not call home and tried to enjoy myself. I did but thought of my little girl often. When I returned home, Skylar was sleeping in my Mom's arms. All was well. And she continued to sleep until 4 am! That is a 6 hour stretch. We truly had a night off!

I must admit that motherhood is MUCH harder than I expected. It is not just your life + a cute baby. It is all encompassing and a drastic life change. But, I know that as the time passes and Skylar begins to smile at me and respond to me more and more, I will fall more and more in love with her (if that is possible.)

It is strange to look back at my TTC posts. It seems that the focus is pregnancy and motherhood never really sinks in. Pregnancy was great for me...motherhood is a challenge. But I know that it is motherhood that I truly craved...and it is a challenge that I will rise to. A new little person has entered the world because of the love I have for M and the desire I have to nurture. It is an awesome feeling....I must remember that at 4 am when I am tired and nursing my little one. )

Where does the time go?

Well, it has been hard to post to my Blog to say the least.

Life with Skylar is busy but wonderful. She is already 3.5 weeks old! She is the love of my life.

Motherhood has been quite an adjustment. I have spent days weeping because it is all so overwhelming. She needs me all of the time. And, breastfeeding is no easy feat. At 2 weeks she needed to eat almost hourly and each nursing session spanned an hour so that is all I did. I felt like something was wrong but everyone I spoke to assured me it was a growth spurt and it would pass. It has, phew! That week was tough with constant feeding and the cries of a hungry baby in between.

Things ha ve settled a bit but the stress hit me hard and I lost my appetite. I believe I have lost almost all of the baby weight and am in my old jeans already. That was a surprise.

As we turned past week 2 and into week 3 things have gotten much easier and she seldom cried for more than 5 minutes. Now, she spends much of her time quiet and alert-- taking in the world. She has been a great sleeper as well. She often has 4 to 6 hour stretches at night which really helps me get through the days.

My mother has been a dream and has been over at my house often to help. She is a smitten Grandma (although is searching for a name other than Grandma so she doesn't feel so old -- we are almost settled on Gammie.) Through this entire experience I have really discovered how many wonderful supportive friends I have. We have had many visitors, many meals brought to us, mountains of gifts for Skylar and so much love. We are blessed.

I know she is worth all of the hard work.

She's Here!

Skylar arrived at 1:13 am Wednesday, December 13th.
6 lb 1 oz and 19.5 inches
I had a very easy labor. I arrived at the hospital at 8:00 pm after a full day of mild contractions ( I started timing them at 7 am.) I was 4 cm when I arrived. My water broke at 9 pm. At 9:30 I was 6cm. By 10:45 I was 10 cm and ready to push. We waited an hour and 20 minutes for my Mom and sisters to arrive so they would not miss the birth. They made it. We waited another 30 min for the Dr and Skylar arrived after 10-15 minutes of pushing.

I am so in love with her!



Will post more later --

Just a matter of time

Well, yesterday I had my weekly OB appt. And, I am 3 cm dilated! The Dr stripped my membranes (which was quite painful and bloody) and said she hoped I would go into labor this morning. She didn't really ask if she could strip my membranes but I guess the dilation and the fact that I am full term impelled her to get the show on the road.

Knowing that it is so close (and seeing a lot of red blood after the procedure) made me nervous for the first time. I have been cramping since last night but with no real rhyme or reason. This morning I have timed my "cramps" (not really calling them contractions yet -- since I am not sure) at about 10-15 minutes apart for the last hour but they only last about 30-40 sec and are not that painful. So, we shall see.

I feel ready and I worked hard last night after the appt to get all of my ducks in a row with work. And, M's big presentation is this AM. He should be done by 12pm so I think all will work within his time restrictions if I was to go into labor today.

Of course, it could still be days away. Last night I was convinced I would be going to the hospital in the middle of the night. But, no, I slept pretty well with not a lot of disturbance despite my cramp evening.

I will keep you posted. Wish me luck! :)

38 Weeks - Still hanging in there

So, here I am at 38 weeks and 1 day. This is truly the final stretch. I made it through my training session with no problems. But boy, teaching a class all day for 4 days was exhausting. I realized that if had to be on my feet everyday (as opposed to at a desk) I would NOT be working up until delivery. I was up at 6:00 am every morning and home between 6:30 and 7. It was a lot of work. But, it was a great success!

I had a Dr's appt this AM and there is no change in my cervix. Still 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced. The head is still as low as low can be. So, co change...no progress. I am comfortable with that. Being early would be exciting but I could use the 1+ weeks to complete my Christmas shopping and get everything completely in line. I just hope I am not late. I would like to be able to see my family at Christmas and not spend it in the hospital. But, I know that Skylar will come when she is good and ready. :)

I can't even imagine what she looks like. I will be so excited to see her. My Dr confirmed that she will be a very long baby since her head is super low but everyone still thinks I am carrying high. Her head can't be any lower so I am definitely not high. This is just one long little girl. Not surprising since I am 5'11" and M is 6'4"! I am all for long and lanky -- let's just keep the head on the petite size. :)

Thats my update for now.

Officially Full Term!

Well, I am officially full term at just past 37 weeks! My Dr said the baby is free to come at any time now. That is such great news!

I had a Dr's appt today and was surprised to find I lost 1.5 lbs despite the Thanksgiving holiday. I am not complaining. :) I have ready that it is quite normal to lose a few lbs in the final months. This puts my total weight gain at 28 lbs. I am quite happy with this # since I think it is pretty good for my height of 5'11". I wish I could say I didn't worry about the weight at all, but that is a lie. Gaining has been hard for me. I was just hoping I did not gain a crazy amount that was going to be very difficult to take off. I have many friends who gained 50, 60, 65 lbs. So, I have heard my share of post baby complaints.

At my visit today there was no change in my cervix from last week. 1 cm dilated. Although she did say 90% effaced and said that is what she recorded last week -- so I guess I was 90% effaced last week and mistaken.

The training session I am holding starts tomorrow AM so I have just about made it to my work goal. I only need to make it through Friday and I am golden.

Things between M and I have been particularly wonderful. He has been so sweet and appreciative of me, I feel very lucky.

I have a great feeling this will be a wonderful Christmas!

Officially Full Term!

Well, I am officially full term at just past 37 weeks! My Dr said the baby is free to come at any time now. That is such great news!

I had a Dr's appt today and was surprised to find I lost 1.5 lbs despite the Thanksgiving holiday. I am not complaining. :) I have ready that it is quite normal to lose a few lbs in the final months. This puts my total weight gain at 28 lbs. I am quite happy with this # since I think it is pretty good for my height of 5'11". I wish I could say I didn't worry about the weight at all, but that is a lie. Gaining has been hard for me. I was just hoping I did not gain a crazy amount that was going to be very difficult to take off. I have many friends who gained 50, 60, 65 lbs. So, I have heard my share of post baby complaints.

At my visit today there was no change in my cervix from last week. 1 cm dilated. Although she did say 90% effaced and said that is what she recorded last week -- so I guess I was 90% effaced last week and mistaken.

The training session I am holding starts tomorrow AM so I have just about made it to my work goal. I only need to make it through Friday and I am golden.

Things between M and I have been particularly wonderful. He has been so sweet and appreciative of me, I feel very lucky.

I have a great feeling this will be a wonderful Christmas!

36.5 weeks - 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced!

Just got back from an OB appt at 36.5 weeks and I am 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I now that could mean something or could mean nothing.

I have heard of people who are dilated for weeks.

M and mother are worries because they want the baby to wait until at least 12/10. And you know, I am hoping to make it until 12/1 (big work project). But, I know we can't schedule her - she will come when she is good and ready.

I am hoping she delays her debut because I know the longer she is inside me and protected the better it will be for her. The Dr says her official prediction is that I will be early so I am hoping for the week of 12/10. Thatw would be perfect. ;)

Reality sets in

As my due date nears this while baby thing is becoming pretty real. There have been some major events with a few of my friends. One, who was due 12/2 gave birth last Tuesday on 11/14 . It was her first baby. Her water broke and her husband was out of town. I spoke to her when she was in labor and she made the pain seem awful at just 1 cm. I am hoping she is just dramatic or has a low pain tolerance.

Another friend who is due 1/17 checked into the hospital on 11/12 because her water broke more than 2 months early! Fortunately, her water is regenerating so she is on bed rest and hoping to keep the baby inside for 3 more weeks to get to 34 weeks before delivery. They do not seem to concerned about the baby though. He is doing well and they gave her a few steroid injections to speed lung development. It was a crazy week last week.

All of these early baby's made me a little nervous because M was is Seattle this past weekend. But, he came home last night and my weekend was uneventful (although packed) because I saw 3 different friends each day. One gave me tons of almost new baby things including some bigger ticket items like a swing and extra car seat base. I feel very fortunate that we have saved some $$.

All of the baby purchases gets expensive. My car seat was $230! I know there are cheaper ones but I opted for the Peg Perego that matches the stroller my mother purchased. I was sad to know it is strictly for infants and she will outgrow it at 22 lbs. But, my sister is planning to start TTC in January so my things will be put to good use!

Now I am focusing on Xmas shopping. I want to get it all done ASAP so I know I can go into labor knowing I have it all covered. I wonder if I will be late and still be baby-less at Xmas -- it is very possible. At this point, I don't care when she comes -- as long as it is after December 1st because of my work project. After that, as long as she is healthy I am fine if she hurries up or takes her time.

Sure, pregnancy is getting a little uncomfortable and tedious now but I have been blessed with a great pregnancy so far. I am very mobile and still going to the gym 3-4 times a week + prenatal yoga.

But at 36 weeks it is great to know that Skylar could be born today and healthy! I am so happy all has gone well. Now, I can't wait to meet her and see her little face. I have a feeling that she will look like M and hope she does. He was the cutest little baby. But, maybe I am biased :)

Anyway - back to work...

35 weeks and cord blood dilemma

Wow, just less than 5 weeks away. I can't believe it. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by and sometimes I feel like it is creeping by. But, before you know it she will be here.

I continue to have dreams about Skylar and although I never quite see her face, she always has hair. So, it will be interesting to see if that is true.

I had a wonderful baby shower last weekend. It is an amazing experience to have all of the women you care about together in one room. I have friends from many parts of my life and they all seem to get along so well. I saw so many of my friends getting to know each other and exchanging ph#s and e-mails it felt really good to know that i have such friendly and loving people in my life.

I a still feeling pretty good although sleeping has gotten a little rough. I woke up 5 time last night to go to the bathroom and I was having some crappy feeling when I laid on my left side (the preferred position for a preggo.) I just finally propped my feet up and slept on my back. That seemed to help. I lose my ankles from tome to time as well with swelling, but other than that I am not complaining.

The biggest thing I have been focusing on lately is work. A big project is reaching its climax on 11/27 so that is the looming landmark right now -- much more than my due date. Once 12/1 hits and the pilot training session I am leading concludes, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I am not worried about going into labor early -- I just have a feeling I will be late. I a a very impatient person so it seems fitting that i will be late.

Tomorrow I have a Dr's appt. She will do the normal routine (weight, BP, baby's HB) and the Group B strep test. Then I will move on to weekly appts and cervical checks! I had to decide about cord blood by this appt and after much thought and research I have opted for public donation as opposed to private banking. Funny how hard it was to find a company to do that.

I really struggled with this decision. It is costly but we could afford it. And, what if I needed it for my baby, would I kick myself for not storing it?

But, the more I read the more it seemed that private banks were distinctly "for profit" and feed off of the fears of new parents. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not endorse private banking (at this point) and there are many conflicting use statistics out there.

An interesting statistic of the public bank is that only 50% of cord blood collected is viable so some will not necessarily be stored in the bank after collection. The private companies do not tell you this. So, quite conceivably, 50% of people could be paying for a storing non-viable samples year after year!

If we all donated to public banks then access to cord blood and stem cells would not be limited to only those who can afford it. So, that is my PSA.

I will check back in after my Dr's appt tomorrow. Ciao!

Caught!

So, I live in Southern California very near the settings of those tragic TV shows "Laguna beach", "Real Housewives of OC" and let's not forget "The OC." Not that these are reality...but...there is a level of reality to it. Yes, there is a lot of money. Yes, there are seas of silicon boobies. And, Yes Materialism is having a field day in my backyard.

I try to resist as much as I can, and I do . But some of it does start to rub off. Thank god I have graduated to a full B in pregnancy. (Sad that is takes being 8 months pregnant to hit the second letter of the alphabet.)

Anyway...Bugaboo strollers are rampant here. I have been doing my best to ignore this overpriced but oh so cute luxury item. Them seem to be everywhere I go. And, people always ask "Are you getting a Bugaboo?" Why do they ask? Even a sale gal at Babystyle was pushing one on me when I told her that it seemed crazy to pay $700-800 for a stroller. She said she had one and it was worth every penny. Now excuse me, but how much do they pay cashiers at Babystyle? Maybe I need to pursue a career in mall retail. Or, marry rich...

Anyway, I have been fighting the urge. We could afford it but I am trying to avoid it based on principle and thoughts of the other useful items I could buy with the $500 I would save if I stuck with the stroller I previously selected. I had told M about it and told him of my urges. He supports my restraint 100% and agreed to discourage me when I leaned the other way. He thinks that price is crazy.

So, sometimes I have weak moments. And, yesterday I had a brilliant idea. A gently used Bugaboo! I could indulge with less guilt. So, I found an ad in Craig's List (love that site by the way!) for a gently used Black Bugaboo Frog. This could screw up my will power. The price tag is still a hefty $500 but a savings nonetheless.

I left the scene (the computer) to have dinner with my sister and left the ad open on my computer. Well, this AM when I sit down to work there is a Post it stuck to my monitor from M that reads:

"$500 is way too much for a pretentious stroller."

Caught!

Ready to launch

Well, I had my last ultrasound yesterday. My Dr had ordered a third trimester ultrasound at 32 weeks to take another peek at the ovarian cyst and ensuring it is not getting too big. She also wanted to check me out before I travel to Georgia this weekend for a family wedding. I am passed their usual time when they allow travel.

Well good news! The cyst has gotten smaller. It measured smaller than last time and the baby has grown considerably so it looked a lot smaller too. So, I am hoping it will continue to shrink an disappear by the time Skylar is a month old...which is what the Dr predicted.

We also found that the baby is heads down and nuzzled way down in my pelvis. In "launch position" is what the u/s tech said. Actually, she was nestled so far down that the tech had difficulty finding and measuring my cervix. She actually said, "You may not be going to that wedding" and "Have you had any contractions?" so I could tell she was concerned. But, she switch to a transvaginal ultrasound and was able to find and measure the cervix. And, it was closed and just over the 3 cm they like to see. So, I was cleared for travel.

I am not sure if she will stay heads down, but I hope so since that will decrease the likelihood of a breech position and possible C section. I would really like to avoid a C section if possible.

The baby now weighs about 4 lbs. and is in the 42nd percentile. The tech said that this means that full term, if she continues to grow at the same rate, she will likely weigh 7 1/2 lbs. That sounds good to me. I have had many friends having 8 lb + babies lately. My last friend's baby was 8lb 8 oz! Yowza!

I am very excited for the trip this weekend. M's family is a lot of fun and I really could use a break from work. I had a major deadline yesterday and was just exhausted. And, there is more to come up until the final week in November.

Finding something to wear to a wedding was a challenge. I really love dressing up but of course none of my dresses fit over my basketball. And, I just wanted to make sure I felt good and comfortable at the same time. Luckily I found a simple black maternity cocktail dress that didn't break my bank. I have been so lucky with maternity clothes because so may of my friends have recently had babies and have lent me tons of clothes. Cute, expensive one I would have cringed at having to buy. So, the # of items I have actually bought is pretty small.

Same goes for baby clothes and supplies. Everyone has been so generous (and happy to get stuff out of storage in their garages!) and we have benefited.

So now, we are just waiting for baby. I am so excited for her arrival and to take the time off work to spend with her. I can tell M is going to be the best father. He is so cute in those baby care and childbirth classes we have had. And, he does a great swaddle and diaper! :)

Maternity photo

I had some maternity photos taken 2 weeks ago (approx. 29 weeks). Thought I would share one of my favorites.

The Big 3-0

I am now in my 30th week of pregnancy and in the final stretch. It is hard to believe although I cannot say that the time flew by. Sometimes I think it did but when I look back to April when I was getting my first few ultrasounds it seems many moons ago.

One thing that may be soothing for those newly pregnant after loss and feeling stressed and worried (as I did) -- I DID and HAVE stopped worrying. Once I felt movement (approx 17 weeks) I no longer worried and now I feel pretty calm and relaxed. Even the baby's ovarian cyst does not worry me because my Drs and research have told me that it is not dangerous. So, I hope that is comforting to some.

I think I am starting to feel a bit fatigued and Blah again. Yesterday (Sunday) I did not have much motivation for anything (besides laying around and doing some household chores.) I even took a nap which is not like me at all (not even pregnant me.) It is funny but I always feel guilty when I am not productive. But, sometimes I have completed all of the tasks at hand and do not really have anything else to complete (besides things that require $$ which we are trying to hold off on since the new car purchase.)

The tasks I do have outstanding are work related. I have a major project to complete before maternity leave. I am due 12/17 and plan to work until 12/15 if I can. My work has been great since we need to all get together at the end of November (12 people from all over the US) and they are all coming to me since I cannot travel. Let's hope I don't go into labor early while leading a training course. :) I gave the disclaimer though because it could happen since I will be 38 weeks pregnant.

A funny thing I have noticed is how many more people/strangers talk to me since I am pregnant. I have specifically noticed this at the gym. People just chat me up -- and it has been mostly men believe it or not. (I have not yet had a stranger rub my belly though!) Often people talk about their own kids or how life changing children are, etc. I don't mind -- I find to very interesting. Of course there is that time where you just want to get on with your workout and people won't leave -- but I always try to move away gracefully.

This is not all that unique because I often (even when not pregnant) attract strangers who chat. Not sure why -- I think I am just approachable. I was ALWAYS the one in college who got approached by the campus Christian groups and invited to Bible Study -- it was a big joke among my friends. I think it is because I smile a lot. And it is true -- I usually have a perma grin. I was even voted "Best smile" in high school. It is just my normal facial expression at rest I guess. This will not be good for lines later on I know.

Sick sick sick

I am sick. I have a nasty cold that started on Sat and just won't seem to let up. I have tried not to take anything but Sudafed (regular) is on my list of approved medications while pregnant. So, I have taken that once to twice a day when I really need to feel better to get work done.

It was funny buying Sudafed because at my pharmacy you have to pick up a card on the shelf and get it from the pharmacist after scanning your ID. And you are limited to one package. I guess Meth addicts are using Sudafed to create drugs. Hmmmm and this is approved for a pregnant gal? That is why I try to resist taking it - but sometimes I just need relief!

And, little Skylar doesn't seem sick at all. She is rocking and rolling there stronger than ever.

M and I started Lamaze classes. He went to his first one last night. I can't say it is too enlightening because it is a lot of relaxation breathing which seems kind of like yoga breathing to me. I think what I like most is attending with M and having him there as my birth partner. I am a sucker for partner type things. I am not sure he loves going but he gets a kick out of how I eat it up. He thinks I am such a dork with my goofy focal point and how seriously I take everything.

Quite frankly, I wonder how much Lamaze I will use since I do plan to get an epidural. I don't really have the desire for a natural childbirth. I have a lot of trust in medical science and feel like if something can help me -- I'll do it. I totally respect those who choose to go drug free, just not for me, I guess. Although I do wonder how I would handle it. I think I would do quite well so maybe I will see how much labor I can take before opting for the epidural. A lot of people get it at 3-4 cm no matter what. We'll see - but I suspect I will not have a drug free birth and I am not ashamed. :)

Bizarre dreams

I have been having bizarre dreams about the baby for at least the last 2 months. They are usually similar and I believe they started when I started to feel her movements.

This is what usually happens....the baby punches me from the inside so had that her little fist busts through my abdominal wall. I can see her little pink clenched fist and I panic trying to stuff her back in because it is too early for her to see the light of day. A few times I dreamed her head popped out as well. All the while I am trying desperately to put her back in my belly where she belongs.

My theory is that she is extremely active when I sleep and gives me some strong kicks which prompt the dreams. Also, I got that picture that was going around in e-mail about the surgeon who was doing surgery in utero of a 21 week old fetus and when he cut into the uterus a little hand came out and grab his finger. Have you seen this? The picture is real but the story has been altered a bit for e-mail drama. See the real scoop here:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/medical/thehand.asp

Not sure what has spurred the dreams (likely a combination of the two) but they are disturbing. Well maybe not as disturbing as my dream last night that I was riding bikes down the beach with my "good friend" Britney Spears. What the heck was that? That's it, I am never picking up an US magazine again!

My new "Mom" car

OK, so it doesn't really look like a Mom car but it technically is a wagon and there is a lot of space in the back for the stroller, etc. It is a 2005 Dodge Magnum which I got for a great dea. We had planned on buying a new car for the baby's arrival in December because I currebtly drive a 2 door SUV -- not ideal for a baby and car seat. And, I wanted to stop driving an SUV due to gas prices and some environmental guilt. I admit that this is no hybrid but the MPGs are much better than my current SUV.

I think M is a little jealous because the car had some bells and whistles like custom wheels/rims and grill that I don't particularly care about (although it does look nice!) So, I assured him that he can drive it whenever he wants but will need to have a permanent car seat base in the other car as well. (We do share both cars but he has exclusively driven the new car we purchased in 2004 so I just call it "his" car.)

Anyway, just another thing that makes it very real that come December I will have a baby and be a Mom. (By the way, my EDD is 12/17 Josefina) I can't wait!

The Nursery

So here is my latest project. The nursery! We painted it a soothing lilac/lavendar and I love it. Got furniture, crib, and crib bedding as well. Now we just need the personal touches and a baby of course!

How do I post pictures?

Does anyone know???? I used to but I have forgotten.

Decisions decisions

So, at the recommendation of my DR, I am beginning to interview pediatricians. Today is my first interview. My sister thinks I am truly anal as she would never do such a thing. She said (with an incredulous tone) "What are YOU going to ask them?" It is funny how different we are.

Actually, my sister (and my husband) both hold a big grudge with my OB/GYN because of the retained tissue after D&C and the scare she gave me over assuming I had gestational trophoblastic disease instead of simply retained tissue. It was a stressful day but she did change he diagnosis and I think it was an honest mistake. They both, however, question my loyalty to her. The truth is that I really like her. I think she is warm, friendly, and pleasant. And, I think she has a special interest in me because of our history and the challenges I posed for her. So, I get a little bit of special attention.

Nevertheless, I will be changing Drs after I give birth. I just found out that with my husband's promotion he can cover both me and the baby for FREE. That's right, free health insurance for all of us! Right now, I have a PPO and I pay $80 a month. And, it would be an additional $100/mo to cover the baby on my plan. So, that is quite a perk. So, despite my loyalty, I have to change. I may however, just switch to anothert DR within her practice because onre of them is covered by my husband's plan (an HMO).

Anyway, I am a bit nervous about the Dr interview-- not sure ehy since I am the interviewer not the interviewee. But, I do know I want to make the bext decisions and I would like to discuss the ovarian cyst with potential pediatricians, just to get their take.

So wish me luck!

Bumps and bops

This sure is an active baby. I get bumped and bopped all day long? My Dr says this is a great sign but I am hoping this does not mean she will be as hyper as her Mom! My mother often tells me what a difficult baby I was -- colicky and crying all the time. At 21, when my Mom had me, she said she would just cry and not know what to do to make me happy. Not a pleasant scenario. My sister, on the other hand, was a calm and mellow baby. And, although my sister was a big pain in my a$# growing up...I am hoping for a little one of her. :)

I have been feeling great so far and am approaching the 6 1/2 month mark (26 weeks).

I have just started the process of interviewing pediatricians and have 2 appts next week and a phone interview coming up. I was a little turned off that I could only get a phone interview with one, but I started thinking that I could ask all of the questions I want even if is not in person so I will give it a shot. I will definitely bring up the ovarian cyst to see if anyone has had experience with that. It *should* go away on its own in the 1st month but there is always the possibility it won't and may need to be aspirated. So, I think it is an important thing to bring up.

Off the baby subject...I got the strangest call 2 nights ago. My Dad's second wife (unfortunately he has been married and divorced 3 times and is currently engaged to #4) called me out of the blue. She was married to my father from the time I was 13 until I was about 22 called. I have not spoken to her in at least 12 years! We did not have a close or particularly friendly relationship (my sister and I really disliked her for most of the time). But, she called because her father died and she is going through a hard time. I think she is just lonely. She lives in Tennessee and seems to be doing well.

Strange that she would reach out to me -- specifically. The first thing she said when she called (got my number from the Internet) was "This is X...Please don't hang up!" I just said "Why would I hang up?" Funny that some people would hold a grudge for over a decade -- I am just not like that. I always friendly even when some would argue I should not be. I talked to her for over an hour and exchanged e-mails. I have received numerous e-mails since then and it is clear she really needs a friend.

I think I did the right thing by being friendly and supportive even to a woman who did some awful things when I was growing up. I just can't find it in myself to be guard on someone after some much time has past. I still struggle though because I know people need to be held accountable for their actions. If we always just let people off the hook...Do they learn anything? But, is it my place to provide that lesson? I don't know.

I had a girlfriend who had a huge falling out with a woman who was just an acquaintance of mine. I ran into the acquaintance in a social setting and was polite and exchanged pleasantries. When my girlfriend found out she was very angry at me and felt betrayed. She said I should not have been nice to a person who hurt her so badly. It was true that the other woman was in the wrong (had slept with and stolen a boyfriend) but the assault was not personal to me and I did not feel comfortable shunning them when they just wanted to say Hello. I am not sure if I was correct but I know I have a hard time with confrontation and expressing my discontent especially when I am a bit removed from the situation or time has passed. I feel a bit conflicted but I can only trust that I should go with my gut and be polite and empathetic when I do not feel authentic anger or hurt.

Hmmm...thoughts?