A quick check in

It has been hard to find time to write but I have a few moments so wanted to check in.

I am doing MUCH better. I don't know if it is just time, the medication, or Skylar's more pleasant demeanor (or a combination of all three) that has made the past few weeks so much better.

My anxiety has decreased a lot and I am sleeping well. Skylar is averaging 8 hours a night so that has been wonderful. She is also a lot less fussy (except for in the evenings) which makes the days easier. She smiles and coos and can entertain herself for periods of time. She still likes to be held much of the time -- but who doesn't? ) The breastfeeding is still going well and she will take a bottle from me and others when I have time to pump.

I extended my maternity leave to the end of April when Skylar will be 5 months. I just felt that 4 montsh was too small to have her in the care of others. I do work from home so will always be in the same place, but I need assistance to get my work done. My grandmother will likely watch her 3 days a week -- I will go to her home so she doesn't have to drive. And, I will bring someone in my home to assist 2 days a week. I am hoping that the nanny my mother used for my younger brother and sister (who I have known for 15 years and was at my wedding) will be available because she is like part of the family. And, she helps me practice my Spanish which is getting rusty.

Anyway -- things are coming together and I am starting to feel like my old self and enjoy motherhood more. It is still hard and I am still tired but I am not unhappy and stressed all of the time. It is hard to make time for "romance" in my life with M because I fall asleep shortly after Skylar does each night, but I am hoping it will get easier to make time for that important element.

Anyway -- I better go since I have to get back to my sweet little girl...

Good Days Too

I am sure my last post was a bit alarming. But, I was feeling pretty low. I do have good days too.I think I knew for quite some time that I was experiencing Post Partum Depression. Mine is more in the form of anxiety than depression. I don't weep, I am just an anxious ball much of the day. It had gotten so that even small tasks seemed overwhelming and I did not feel hopeful for the future. This is strange for me being such a "doer." So, I have felt like my identity had been taken away.

And, the responsibility of a little life 24 X 7 is overwhleming. Plus, Skylar has been a bit of a fussy baby. Although at 11 weeks it has gotten a lot easier. She can entertain herself more and I can have a little tiny bit of free time. But, all that said, being house bound is tough for me. I do try to take her out a bit -- but a trip to the store or a walk around the block is not that liberating. I am trying to get over my fear of taking her out because of fussing. Babies cry. I have to realize that.

Skylar has, however, been an excellent sleeper. She has slept an average of 9 hours a night for 6 of the last 8 nights! It is a pleasant surprise since I am breastfeeding and many say breastfed babies don't often sleep such long stretches. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of insomnia so I have not been taking advantage of the time. Although last night I slept pretty well for the first time in a few days.

Skylar is smiling more and more and I feel more love for her each day. I am now just trying to manage my anxiety and stress. I never wish she wasn't here -- I thank God for her. She is a blessing. But, I do mourn my old life and often wonder if I can make it through day after day of her care. I know that I can just sometimes it is hard to realize it.

As for help, I have seen a therapist and went to a local support group. My OB also prescribed me some medication (anti-anxiety -- anti-depression) which she and my pediatrician assured me was safe while nursing. I felt uncomfortable about meds at first but after speaking with so many friends and others who got great benefits from them, I felt a bit better. Hopefully it will work and I can be my old self again. I am sad that this time is meant to be so joyous and sometimes I am crippled by anxiety.

I just tell myself that "I will get through this!" I will.

Some Dark Days

I have not posted in awhile because I have been really struggling. I have been diagnosed with PostPartum Depression. I am filled with anxiety most days and wake up wondering if I can make it through the day.

Skylar is doing well despite my troubles. I love her as much as ever but feel great grief many days. I am overwhlemed by motherhood and everyday tasks. I am not myself.

I am getting help from friends and family and have gone to seek assistance. Please keep me in yout thoughts. This is a rough time for me.

Daddy Duty

So I left Skylar with M last night for the first really long stretch (from 6 pm to 12:30 am) so I could see a concert for a girlfriend's birthday. I was so stressed about it, I almost cancelled but M insisted. And, I realized I needed to go so I could realize that I could do it. That M could care for her. I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel such a great responsibility for Skylar and I feel very alone in that.

Well, I left at about 6 pm and Skylar was screaming. It was so hard to leave but M made me go and seemed quite offended that I thought he couldn't handle it. I left 2 bottles of expressed milk so he could feed her. I was stressed about how well she would take a bottle because sometimes she fights the bottle. I have been trying to give her a bottle of breastmilk every day or every other day to keep bottles an option.

I did pretty well all night and didn't stress out and tried to enjoy myself. But, I was racing home as soon as the concert was over. I knew M would not call and check in because he wanted me to relax and not think about home for 1 night. When I got home all was quiet. They were both sleeping. I asked M how it went and he told me she cried pretty hard for the first 45 min then fell asleep at about 7 pm. And, she never woke up! He never fed her, she slept the entire time. I went to sleep at 1 am and she woke up at 2 am. She slept from 7 pm to 2 am after a 5 pm feeding. The longest stretch ever. Dad sure had it easy! And, I never got to see how the bottle feeding went.

Anyway, I was relieved that all was well. But, boy did I miss her. This am we laid in bed playing and she gave me some of the biggest smiles! It is so exciting to have her finally responding to me, I cant wait to her to hear the word Mama. I know it is a long time coming, but it will come! :)

Ch Ch Ch Changes

It is hard to express how much your life changes with a baby. I feel very blessed to have Skylar and my love for her is immeasurable, but I cannot pretend the life change has not been extremely difficult for me. It definitely has.

Often times I am filled with anxiety for the day ahead. I mourn my old life at times. The time and responsibility of motherhood is overwhelming. I think breastfeeding is a large contributors to my stress because I know that Skylar is physically dependent on me for sustenance. I worry about leaving her with others (even M) because she will often fight taking a bottle of expressed breastmilk. She will take it though but the thought of her fussy and crying makes me crazy.

M just went out of town for business and I think that has been a contributor. I so need his companionship in the pm after being with the baby all day. I do not envy single mothers because spousal love and support is so important for me.

The one person I feel comfortable with is my mother. She has been a dream. She comes to help all of the time and is really familiar with Skylar and how to soothe her and care for her. I feel at ease when she is here and with my daughter. I told her I wish that I could just go live with her for awhile. She though that was sweet. A friend told me that in Japan (I think she said Japan) that women move in with their mothers (leaving their husbands) for the first few months of their infant's lives. makes sense to me!

All of my stressing aside, Skylar is doing great. She is growing and changing. She has started to smile at me and is much more responsive. She is beautiful. She just went through her 6 week growth spurt (lots of fussing and feeding) which was tough (and hopefully over). She is generally a mellow and happy baby. She likes to go to sleep early (between 8 and 9) which creates a 1 am to 2 am feeding for me and then again between 5:45 and 7. But, I don't mind because the 1-2 hours in the pm with M is treasured. We can gaze at peaceful Skylar and relax together and realize that it is all worth it for this precious baby.

Settling in?

The last few days with Skylar have been great. She is a really good baby. She has been a great night sleeper and now it seems she is napping more in the day and eating well and farther apart (approx 3 hours). That is good because I start to feel like a walking milk truck. :)

It has been a hard adjustment but I am feeling more a more comfortable and more capable to handle all of the responsibility.

M has been sick so hasn't been much help over the ast week. I started to feel like he was "milking" the sickness to be less hands on and had a serious talk with him about my need for his support and to bond with the baby. At this young age babies are just not that responsive so I can tell it is hard for him to connect. He was sweet and promised to make more of an effort. And, the last 2 days he has been great -- helping me out, singing to her, soothing her, etc. It has really helped.

I can't imagine doing this alone and I applaud the strength and courage of single moms out there.

Woops -- Skylar is calling -- gotta run!

Small Victory

Today I got out of the house with Skylar and took a 40 minute walk then stopped at the grocery store for a few items. A small victory! It is hard for me to be house bound, but I know that caring for my daughter is myu job now.

She is more beautiful every day.

Mother

I realize that is what defines me now at this time in my life I am a mother. I don't really have time for anything else. Being a type A person who feels that I must always be productive and active, life at home with baby has been a challenge. I often don't have time to address a letter, send an e-mail, or put in a load of laundry. I am trying to learn that this is OK. My friends and family have emphasized that this is my time to take care of Skylar -- nothing else. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with this. For some reason, I thought I would be able to care for Skylar and do everything else. That is just not the case. She needs me -- constantly. And, I love her more and more each day.

M has been a great help. He gets my meals, does the dishes, shopping etc. He can't do too much with Skylar because I am the food source (although I have pumped breast milk so he can give her a bottle and I can get out of the house to shop or get my nails done.). But, he is learning to care for her and bond with her as well. She looks more like him everyday.

Skylar is now 4 1/2 weeks old. She has changed so much! Last night M and I had our first night away to go see a Laker game. My mother babysat Skylar and I pumped milk for her. I was away from 6 pm to 11 pm. It was a bit difficult but I did not call home and tried to enjoy myself. I did but thought of my little girl often. When I returned home, Skylar was sleeping in my Mom's arms. All was well. And she continued to sleep until 4 am! That is a 6 hour stretch. We truly had a night off!

I must admit that motherhood is MUCH harder than I expected. It is not just your life + a cute baby. It is all encompassing and a drastic life change. But, I know that as the time passes and Skylar begins to smile at me and respond to me more and more, I will fall more and more in love with her (if that is possible.)

It is strange to look back at my TTC posts. It seems that the focus is pregnancy and motherhood never really sinks in. Pregnancy was great for me...motherhood is a challenge. But I know that it is motherhood that I truly craved...and it is a challenge that I will rise to. A new little person has entered the world because of the love I have for M and the desire I have to nurture. It is an awesome feeling....I must remember that at 4 am when I am tired and nursing my little one. )

Where does the time go?

Well, it has been hard to post to my Blog to say the least.

Life with Skylar is busy but wonderful. She is already 3.5 weeks old! She is the love of my life.

Motherhood has been quite an adjustment. I have spent days weeping because it is all so overwhelming. She needs me all of the time. And, breastfeeding is no easy feat. At 2 weeks she needed to eat almost hourly and each nursing session spanned an hour so that is all I did. I felt like something was wrong but everyone I spoke to assured me it was a growth spurt and it would pass. It has, phew! That week was tough with constant feeding and the cries of a hungry baby in between.

Things ha ve settled a bit but the stress hit me hard and I lost my appetite. I believe I have lost almost all of the baby weight and am in my old jeans already. That was a surprise.

As we turned past week 2 and into week 3 things have gotten much easier and she seldom cried for more than 5 minutes. Now, she spends much of her time quiet and alert-- taking in the world. She has been a great sleeper as well. She often has 4 to 6 hour stretches at night which really helps me get through the days.

My mother has been a dream and has been over at my house often to help. She is a smitten Grandma (although is searching for a name other than Grandma so she doesn't feel so old -- we are almost settled on Gammie.) Through this entire experience I have really discovered how many wonderful supportive friends I have. We have had many visitors, many meals brought to us, mountains of gifts for Skylar and so much love. We are blessed.

I know she is worth all of the hard work.

She's Here!

Skylar arrived at 1:13 am Wednesday, December 13th.
6 lb 1 oz and 19.5 inches
I had a very easy labor. I arrived at the hospital at 8:00 pm after a full day of mild contractions ( I started timing them at 7 am.) I was 4 cm when I arrived. My water broke at 9 pm. At 9:30 I was 6cm. By 10:45 I was 10 cm and ready to push. We waited an hour and 20 minutes for my Mom and sisters to arrive so they would not miss the birth. They made it. We waited another 30 min for the Dr and Skylar arrived after 10-15 minutes of pushing.

I am so in love with her!



Will post more later --

Just a matter of time

Well, yesterday I had my weekly OB appt. And, I am 3 cm dilated! The Dr stripped my membranes (which was quite painful and bloody) and said she hoped I would go into labor this morning. She didn't really ask if she could strip my membranes but I guess the dilation and the fact that I am full term impelled her to get the show on the road.

Knowing that it is so close (and seeing a lot of red blood after the procedure) made me nervous for the first time. I have been cramping since last night but with no real rhyme or reason. This morning I have timed my "cramps" (not really calling them contractions yet -- since I am not sure) at about 10-15 minutes apart for the last hour but they only last about 30-40 sec and are not that painful. So, we shall see.

I feel ready and I worked hard last night after the appt to get all of my ducks in a row with work. And, M's big presentation is this AM. He should be done by 12pm so I think all will work within his time restrictions if I was to go into labor today.

Of course, it could still be days away. Last night I was convinced I would be going to the hospital in the middle of the night. But, no, I slept pretty well with not a lot of disturbance despite my cramp evening.

I will keep you posted. Wish me luck! :)

38 Weeks - Still hanging in there

So, here I am at 38 weeks and 1 day. This is truly the final stretch. I made it through my training session with no problems. But boy, teaching a class all day for 4 days was exhausting. I realized that if had to be on my feet everyday (as opposed to at a desk) I would NOT be working up until delivery. I was up at 6:00 am every morning and home between 6:30 and 7. It was a lot of work. But, it was a great success!

I had a Dr's appt this AM and there is no change in my cervix. Still 1 cm dilated and 90% effaced. The head is still as low as low can be. So, co change...no progress. I am comfortable with that. Being early would be exciting but I could use the 1+ weeks to complete my Christmas shopping and get everything completely in line. I just hope I am not late. I would like to be able to see my family at Christmas and not spend it in the hospital. But, I know that Skylar will come when she is good and ready. :)

I can't even imagine what she looks like. I will be so excited to see her. My Dr confirmed that she will be a very long baby since her head is super low but everyone still thinks I am carrying high. Her head can't be any lower so I am definitely not high. This is just one long little girl. Not surprising since I am 5'11" and M is 6'4"! I am all for long and lanky -- let's just keep the head on the petite size. :)

Thats my update for now.

Officially Full Term!

Well, I am officially full term at just past 37 weeks! My Dr said the baby is free to come at any time now. That is such great news!

I had a Dr's appt today and was surprised to find I lost 1.5 lbs despite the Thanksgiving holiday. I am not complaining. :) I have ready that it is quite normal to lose a few lbs in the final months. This puts my total weight gain at 28 lbs. I am quite happy with this # since I think it is pretty good for my height of 5'11". I wish I could say I didn't worry about the weight at all, but that is a lie. Gaining has been hard for me. I was just hoping I did not gain a crazy amount that was going to be very difficult to take off. I have many friends who gained 50, 60, 65 lbs. So, I have heard my share of post baby complaints.

At my visit today there was no change in my cervix from last week. 1 cm dilated. Although she did say 90% effaced and said that is what she recorded last week -- so I guess I was 90% effaced last week and mistaken.

The training session I am holding starts tomorrow AM so I have just about made it to my work goal. I only need to make it through Friday and I am golden.

Things between M and I have been particularly wonderful. He has been so sweet and appreciative of me, I feel very lucky.

I have a great feeling this will be a wonderful Christmas!

Officially Full Term!

Well, I am officially full term at just past 37 weeks! My Dr said the baby is free to come at any time now. That is such great news!

I had a Dr's appt today and was surprised to find I lost 1.5 lbs despite the Thanksgiving holiday. I am not complaining. :) I have ready that it is quite normal to lose a few lbs in the final months. This puts my total weight gain at 28 lbs. I am quite happy with this # since I think it is pretty good for my height of 5'11". I wish I could say I didn't worry about the weight at all, but that is a lie. Gaining has been hard for me. I was just hoping I did not gain a crazy amount that was going to be very difficult to take off. I have many friends who gained 50, 60, 65 lbs. So, I have heard my share of post baby complaints.

At my visit today there was no change in my cervix from last week. 1 cm dilated. Although she did say 90% effaced and said that is what she recorded last week -- so I guess I was 90% effaced last week and mistaken.

The training session I am holding starts tomorrow AM so I have just about made it to my work goal. I only need to make it through Friday and I am golden.

Things between M and I have been particularly wonderful. He has been so sweet and appreciative of me, I feel very lucky.

I have a great feeling this will be a wonderful Christmas!

36.5 weeks - 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced!

Just got back from an OB appt at 36.5 weeks and I am 1 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I now that could mean something or could mean nothing.

I have heard of people who are dilated for weeks.

M and mother are worries because they want the baby to wait until at least 12/10. And you know, I am hoping to make it until 12/1 (big work project). But, I know we can't schedule her - she will come when she is good and ready.

I am hoping she delays her debut because I know the longer she is inside me and protected the better it will be for her. The Dr says her official prediction is that I will be early so I am hoping for the week of 12/10. Thatw would be perfect. ;)

Reality sets in

As my due date nears this while baby thing is becoming pretty real. There have been some major events with a few of my friends. One, who was due 12/2 gave birth last Tuesday on 11/14 . It was her first baby. Her water broke and her husband was out of town. I spoke to her when she was in labor and she made the pain seem awful at just 1 cm. I am hoping she is just dramatic or has a low pain tolerance.

Another friend who is due 1/17 checked into the hospital on 11/12 because her water broke more than 2 months early! Fortunately, her water is regenerating so she is on bed rest and hoping to keep the baby inside for 3 more weeks to get to 34 weeks before delivery. They do not seem to concerned about the baby though. He is doing well and they gave her a few steroid injections to speed lung development. It was a crazy week last week.

All of these early baby's made me a little nervous because M was is Seattle this past weekend. But, he came home last night and my weekend was uneventful (although packed) because I saw 3 different friends each day. One gave me tons of almost new baby things including some bigger ticket items like a swing and extra car seat base. I feel very fortunate that we have saved some $$.

All of the baby purchases gets expensive. My car seat was $230! I know there are cheaper ones but I opted for the Peg Perego that matches the stroller my mother purchased. I was sad to know it is strictly for infants and she will outgrow it at 22 lbs. But, my sister is planning to start TTC in January so my things will be put to good use!

Now I am focusing on Xmas shopping. I want to get it all done ASAP so I know I can go into labor knowing I have it all covered. I wonder if I will be late and still be baby-less at Xmas -- it is very possible. At this point, I don't care when she comes -- as long as it is after December 1st because of my work project. After that, as long as she is healthy I am fine if she hurries up or takes her time.

Sure, pregnancy is getting a little uncomfortable and tedious now but I have been blessed with a great pregnancy so far. I am very mobile and still going to the gym 3-4 times a week + prenatal yoga.

But at 36 weeks it is great to know that Skylar could be born today and healthy! I am so happy all has gone well. Now, I can't wait to meet her and see her little face. I have a feeling that she will look like M and hope she does. He was the cutest little baby. But, maybe I am biased :)

Anyway - back to work...

35 weeks and cord blood dilemma

Wow, just less than 5 weeks away. I can't believe it. Sometimes I feel like it has flown by and sometimes I feel like it is creeping by. But, before you know it she will be here.

I continue to have dreams about Skylar and although I never quite see her face, she always has hair. So, it will be interesting to see if that is true.

I had a wonderful baby shower last weekend. It is an amazing experience to have all of the women you care about together in one room. I have friends from many parts of my life and they all seem to get along so well. I saw so many of my friends getting to know each other and exchanging ph#s and e-mails it felt really good to know that i have such friendly and loving people in my life.

I a still feeling pretty good although sleeping has gotten a little rough. I woke up 5 time last night to go to the bathroom and I was having some crappy feeling when I laid on my left side (the preferred position for a preggo.) I just finally propped my feet up and slept on my back. That seemed to help. I lose my ankles from tome to time as well with swelling, but other than that I am not complaining.

The biggest thing I have been focusing on lately is work. A big project is reaching its climax on 11/27 so that is the looming landmark right now -- much more than my due date. Once 12/1 hits and the pilot training session I am leading concludes, I will breathe a huge sigh of relief. I am not worried about going into labor early -- I just have a feeling I will be late. I a a very impatient person so it seems fitting that i will be late.

Tomorrow I have a Dr's appt. She will do the normal routine (weight, BP, baby's HB) and the Group B strep test. Then I will move on to weekly appts and cervical checks! I had to decide about cord blood by this appt and after much thought and research I have opted for public donation as opposed to private banking. Funny how hard it was to find a company to do that.

I really struggled with this decision. It is costly but we could afford it. And, what if I needed it for my baby, would I kick myself for not storing it?

But, the more I read the more it seemed that private banks were distinctly "for profit" and feed off of the fears of new parents. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not endorse private banking (at this point) and there are many conflicting use statistics out there.

An interesting statistic of the public bank is that only 50% of cord blood collected is viable so some will not necessarily be stored in the bank after collection. The private companies do not tell you this. So, quite conceivably, 50% of people could be paying for a storing non-viable samples year after year!

If we all donated to public banks then access to cord blood and stem cells would not be limited to only those who can afford it. So, that is my PSA.

I will check back in after my Dr's appt tomorrow. Ciao!

Caught!

So, I live in Southern California very near the settings of those tragic TV shows "Laguna beach", "Real Housewives of OC" and let's not forget "The OC." Not that these are reality...but...there is a level of reality to it. Yes, there is a lot of money. Yes, there are seas of silicon boobies. And, Yes Materialism is having a field day in my backyard.

I try to resist as much as I can, and I do . But some of it does start to rub off. Thank god I have graduated to a full B in pregnancy. (Sad that is takes being 8 months pregnant to hit the second letter of the alphabet.)

Anyway...Bugaboo strollers are rampant here. I have been doing my best to ignore this overpriced but oh so cute luxury item. Them seem to be everywhere I go. And, people always ask "Are you getting a Bugaboo?" Why do they ask? Even a sale gal at Babystyle was pushing one on me when I told her that it seemed crazy to pay $700-800 for a stroller. She said she had one and it was worth every penny. Now excuse me, but how much do they pay cashiers at Babystyle? Maybe I need to pursue a career in mall retail. Or, marry rich...

Anyway, I have been fighting the urge. We could afford it but I am trying to avoid it based on principle and thoughts of the other useful items I could buy with the $500 I would save if I stuck with the stroller I previously selected. I had told M about it and told him of my urges. He supports my restraint 100% and agreed to discourage me when I leaned the other way. He thinks that price is crazy.

So, sometimes I have weak moments. And, yesterday I had a brilliant idea. A gently used Bugaboo! I could indulge with less guilt. So, I found an ad in Craig's List (love that site by the way!) for a gently used Black Bugaboo Frog. This could screw up my will power. The price tag is still a hefty $500 but a savings nonetheless.

I left the scene (the computer) to have dinner with my sister and left the ad open on my computer. Well, this AM when I sit down to work there is a Post it stuck to my monitor from M that reads:

"$500 is way too much for a pretentious stroller."

Caught!

Ready to launch

Well, I had my last ultrasound yesterday. My Dr had ordered a third trimester ultrasound at 32 weeks to take another peek at the ovarian cyst and ensuring it is not getting too big. She also wanted to check me out before I travel to Georgia this weekend for a family wedding. I am passed their usual time when they allow travel.

Well good news! The cyst has gotten smaller. It measured smaller than last time and the baby has grown considerably so it looked a lot smaller too. So, I am hoping it will continue to shrink an disappear by the time Skylar is a month old...which is what the Dr predicted.

We also found that the baby is heads down and nuzzled way down in my pelvis. In "launch position" is what the u/s tech said. Actually, she was nestled so far down that the tech had difficulty finding and measuring my cervix. She actually said, "You may not be going to that wedding" and "Have you had any contractions?" so I could tell she was concerned. But, she switch to a transvaginal ultrasound and was able to find and measure the cervix. And, it was closed and just over the 3 cm they like to see. So, I was cleared for travel.

I am not sure if she will stay heads down, but I hope so since that will decrease the likelihood of a breech position and possible C section. I would really like to avoid a C section if possible.

The baby now weighs about 4 lbs. and is in the 42nd percentile. The tech said that this means that full term, if she continues to grow at the same rate, she will likely weigh 7 1/2 lbs. That sounds good to me. I have had many friends having 8 lb + babies lately. My last friend's baby was 8lb 8 oz! Yowza!

I am very excited for the trip this weekend. M's family is a lot of fun and I really could use a break from work. I had a major deadline yesterday and was just exhausted. And, there is more to come up until the final week in November.

Finding something to wear to a wedding was a challenge. I really love dressing up but of course none of my dresses fit over my basketball. And, I just wanted to make sure I felt good and comfortable at the same time. Luckily I found a simple black maternity cocktail dress that didn't break my bank. I have been so lucky with maternity clothes because so may of my friends have recently had babies and have lent me tons of clothes. Cute, expensive one I would have cringed at having to buy. So, the # of items I have actually bought is pretty small.

Same goes for baby clothes and supplies. Everyone has been so generous (and happy to get stuff out of storage in their garages!) and we have benefited.

So now, we are just waiting for baby. I am so excited for her arrival and to take the time off work to spend with her. I can tell M is going to be the best father. He is so cute in those baby care and childbirth classes we have had. And, he does a great swaddle and diaper! :)

Maternity photo

I had some maternity photos taken 2 weeks ago (approx. 29 weeks). Thought I would share one of my favorites.

The Big 3-0

I am now in my 30th week of pregnancy and in the final stretch. It is hard to believe although I cannot say that the time flew by. Sometimes I think it did but when I look back to April when I was getting my first few ultrasounds it seems many moons ago.

One thing that may be soothing for those newly pregnant after loss and feeling stressed and worried (as I did) -- I DID and HAVE stopped worrying. Once I felt movement (approx 17 weeks) I no longer worried and now I feel pretty calm and relaxed. Even the baby's ovarian cyst does not worry me because my Drs and research have told me that it is not dangerous. So, I hope that is comforting to some.

I think I am starting to feel a bit fatigued and Blah again. Yesterday (Sunday) I did not have much motivation for anything (besides laying around and doing some household chores.) I even took a nap which is not like me at all (not even pregnant me.) It is funny but I always feel guilty when I am not productive. But, sometimes I have completed all of the tasks at hand and do not really have anything else to complete (besides things that require $$ which we are trying to hold off on since the new car purchase.)

The tasks I do have outstanding are work related. I have a major project to complete before maternity leave. I am due 12/17 and plan to work until 12/15 if I can. My work has been great since we need to all get together at the end of November (12 people from all over the US) and they are all coming to me since I cannot travel. Let's hope I don't go into labor early while leading a training course. :) I gave the disclaimer though because it could happen since I will be 38 weeks pregnant.

A funny thing I have noticed is how many more people/strangers talk to me since I am pregnant. I have specifically noticed this at the gym. People just chat me up -- and it has been mostly men believe it or not. (I have not yet had a stranger rub my belly though!) Often people talk about their own kids or how life changing children are, etc. I don't mind -- I find to very interesting. Of course there is that time where you just want to get on with your workout and people won't leave -- but I always try to move away gracefully.

This is not all that unique because I often (even when not pregnant) attract strangers who chat. Not sure why -- I think I am just approachable. I was ALWAYS the one in college who got approached by the campus Christian groups and invited to Bible Study -- it was a big joke among my friends. I think it is because I smile a lot. And it is true -- I usually have a perma grin. I was even voted "Best smile" in high school. It is just my normal facial expression at rest I guess. This will not be good for lines later on I know.

Sick sick sick

I am sick. I have a nasty cold that started on Sat and just won't seem to let up. I have tried not to take anything but Sudafed (regular) is on my list of approved medications while pregnant. So, I have taken that once to twice a day when I really need to feel better to get work done.

It was funny buying Sudafed because at my pharmacy you have to pick up a card on the shelf and get it from the pharmacist after scanning your ID. And you are limited to one package. I guess Meth addicts are using Sudafed to create drugs. Hmmmm and this is approved for a pregnant gal? That is why I try to resist taking it - but sometimes I just need relief!

And, little Skylar doesn't seem sick at all. She is rocking and rolling there stronger than ever.

M and I started Lamaze classes. He went to his first one last night. I can't say it is too enlightening because it is a lot of relaxation breathing which seems kind of like yoga breathing to me. I think what I like most is attending with M and having him there as my birth partner. I am a sucker for partner type things. I am not sure he loves going but he gets a kick out of how I eat it up. He thinks I am such a dork with my goofy focal point and how seriously I take everything.

Quite frankly, I wonder how much Lamaze I will use since I do plan to get an epidural. I don't really have the desire for a natural childbirth. I have a lot of trust in medical science and feel like if something can help me -- I'll do it. I totally respect those who choose to go drug free, just not for me, I guess. Although I do wonder how I would handle it. I think I would do quite well so maybe I will see how much labor I can take before opting for the epidural. A lot of people get it at 3-4 cm no matter what. We'll see - but I suspect I will not have a drug free birth and I am not ashamed. :)

Bizarre dreams

I have been having bizarre dreams about the baby for at least the last 2 months. They are usually similar and I believe they started when I started to feel her movements.

This is what usually happens....the baby punches me from the inside so had that her little fist busts through my abdominal wall. I can see her little pink clenched fist and I panic trying to stuff her back in because it is too early for her to see the light of day. A few times I dreamed her head popped out as well. All the while I am trying desperately to put her back in my belly where she belongs.

My theory is that she is extremely active when I sleep and gives me some strong kicks which prompt the dreams. Also, I got that picture that was going around in e-mail about the surgeon who was doing surgery in utero of a 21 week old fetus and when he cut into the uterus a little hand came out and grab his finger. Have you seen this? The picture is real but the story has been altered a bit for e-mail drama. See the real scoop here:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/medical/thehand.asp

Not sure what has spurred the dreams (likely a combination of the two) but they are disturbing. Well maybe not as disturbing as my dream last night that I was riding bikes down the beach with my "good friend" Britney Spears. What the heck was that? That's it, I am never picking up an US magazine again!

My new "Mom" car

OK, so it doesn't really look like a Mom car but it technically is a wagon and there is a lot of space in the back for the stroller, etc. It is a 2005 Dodge Magnum which I got for a great dea. We had planned on buying a new car for the baby's arrival in December because I currebtly drive a 2 door SUV -- not ideal for a baby and car seat. And, I wanted to stop driving an SUV due to gas prices and some environmental guilt. I admit that this is no hybrid but the MPGs are much better than my current SUV.

I think M is a little jealous because the car had some bells and whistles like custom wheels/rims and grill that I don't particularly care about (although it does look nice!) So, I assured him that he can drive it whenever he wants but will need to have a permanent car seat base in the other car as well. (We do share both cars but he has exclusively driven the new car we purchased in 2004 so I just call it "his" car.)

Anyway, just another thing that makes it very real that come December I will have a baby and be a Mom. (By the way, my EDD is 12/17 Josefina) I can't wait!

The Nursery

So here is my latest project. The nursery! We painted it a soothing lilac/lavendar and I love it. Got furniture, crib, and crib bedding as well. Now we just need the personal touches and a baby of course!

How do I post pictures?

Does anyone know???? I used to but I have forgotten.

Decisions decisions

So, at the recommendation of my DR, I am beginning to interview pediatricians. Today is my first interview. My sister thinks I am truly anal as she would never do such a thing. She said (with an incredulous tone) "What are YOU going to ask them?" It is funny how different we are.

Actually, my sister (and my husband) both hold a big grudge with my OB/GYN because of the retained tissue after D&C and the scare she gave me over assuming I had gestational trophoblastic disease instead of simply retained tissue. It was a stressful day but she did change he diagnosis and I think it was an honest mistake. They both, however, question my loyalty to her. The truth is that I really like her. I think she is warm, friendly, and pleasant. And, I think she has a special interest in me because of our history and the challenges I posed for her. So, I get a little bit of special attention.

Nevertheless, I will be changing Drs after I give birth. I just found out that with my husband's promotion he can cover both me and the baby for FREE. That's right, free health insurance for all of us! Right now, I have a PPO and I pay $80 a month. And, it would be an additional $100/mo to cover the baby on my plan. So, that is quite a perk. So, despite my loyalty, I have to change. I may however, just switch to anothert DR within her practice because onre of them is covered by my husband's plan (an HMO).

Anyway, I am a bit nervous about the Dr interview-- not sure ehy since I am the interviewer not the interviewee. But, I do know I want to make the bext decisions and I would like to discuss the ovarian cyst with potential pediatricians, just to get their take.

So wish me luck!

Bumps and bops

This sure is an active baby. I get bumped and bopped all day long? My Dr says this is a great sign but I am hoping this does not mean she will be as hyper as her Mom! My mother often tells me what a difficult baby I was -- colicky and crying all the time. At 21, when my Mom had me, she said she would just cry and not know what to do to make me happy. Not a pleasant scenario. My sister, on the other hand, was a calm and mellow baby. And, although my sister was a big pain in my a$# growing up...I am hoping for a little one of her. :)

I have been feeling great so far and am approaching the 6 1/2 month mark (26 weeks).

I have just started the process of interviewing pediatricians and have 2 appts next week and a phone interview coming up. I was a little turned off that I could only get a phone interview with one, but I started thinking that I could ask all of the questions I want even if is not in person so I will give it a shot. I will definitely bring up the ovarian cyst to see if anyone has had experience with that. It *should* go away on its own in the 1st month but there is always the possibility it won't and may need to be aspirated. So, I think it is an important thing to bring up.

Off the baby subject...I got the strangest call 2 nights ago. My Dad's second wife (unfortunately he has been married and divorced 3 times and is currently engaged to #4) called me out of the blue. She was married to my father from the time I was 13 until I was about 22 called. I have not spoken to her in at least 12 years! We did not have a close or particularly friendly relationship (my sister and I really disliked her for most of the time). But, she called because her father died and she is going through a hard time. I think she is just lonely. She lives in Tennessee and seems to be doing well.

Strange that she would reach out to me -- specifically. The first thing she said when she called (got my number from the Internet) was "This is X...Please don't hang up!" I just said "Why would I hang up?" Funny that some people would hold a grudge for over a decade -- I am just not like that. I always friendly even when some would argue I should not be. I talked to her for over an hour and exchanged e-mails. I have received numerous e-mails since then and it is clear she really needs a friend.

I think I did the right thing by being friendly and supportive even to a woman who did some awful things when I was growing up. I just can't find it in myself to be guard on someone after some much time has past. I still struggle though because I know people need to be held accountable for their actions. If we always just let people off the hook...Do they learn anything? But, is it my place to provide that lesson? I don't know.

I had a girlfriend who had a huge falling out with a woman who was just an acquaintance of mine. I ran into the acquaintance in a social setting and was polite and exchanged pleasantries. When my girlfriend found out she was very angry at me and felt betrayed. She said I should not have been nice to a person who hurt her so badly. It was true that the other woman was in the wrong (had slept with and stolen a boyfriend) but the assault was not personal to me and I did not feel comfortable shunning them when they just wanted to say Hello. I am not sure if I was correct but I know I have a hard time with confrontation and expressing my discontent especially when I am a bit removed from the situation or time has passed. I feel a bit conflicted but I can only trust that I should go with my gut and be polite and empathetic when I do not feel authentic anger or hurt.

Hmmm...thoughts?

Cyst update

Well -- the baby's cyst has gotten bigger. In fact, it almost doubled in size and is now about 2 cm. In the large scheme of things, that is still pretty small.

The u/s technician still did not seem concerned and I have not yet talked to my Dr about the results. The tech said my Dr may send me to a specialist for a 3rd trimester u/s to confirm it is ovarian and make sure its growth is not crowding other organs or compromising the ovary.

And, as I mentioned, most go away within the baby's first few months of life. They do not expect it to go away before birth.

I feel pretty calms about it. Everything I read confirmed it is not to be concerned about. Yea, I wish it wasn't there and my baby was alarmingly perfect -- but hey -- we are human and s%$t happens. As long as it is s%&t that won't endanger the life of my baby I can deal with it. :)

Names...names...names

As you may recall, I was always avoiding the name question which you inevitably get from everyone when discussing pregnancy. At first, I thought it was just too soon to get reckless and start naming the baby. I have never been one to understand why people name babies that they have miscarried -- especially very early miscarriages. To me, it would only be harder to put a more human face on the would-be baby.

Then, I just didn't like the question because most people are so free with their opinion when it comes to names of a baby to be. You tell someone your newborn is named Agatha and everyone says "ooo, now that is nice" but tell them when you are 8 months pregnant you are thinking of Agatha and you get the "Ew!" "No, don't name them that!" "I knew a girl named Agatha who was a total slut." Now, I don't really care if someone doesn't like the names I like, but I would rather not get opinions that aren't asked for just in case it starts some second guessing. Big decisions are hard enough as it is.

Well anyway...I am now sharing my name and have just thrown it all to hell since I like ti so much and no one can deter me. Comments welcome. :)

We will name our baby girl:

Skylar

M wants to call her "Skye" and that is fine with me. He actually wanted to name her just Skye but I really like both Skylar and Skye and I feel that Skye alone sounds a bit hippie dippy nature girl. Something the parents from Family Ties (Elise and Steven) would have named their child before they entered their suburban existence.

Anyway...that's it. It beat pur the other two front runners: Avery and Makenna. The middle name is now in M's hands because I nixed the name he liked: Kayla. Although our top three came from him nixing countless of my other name suggestions. Kayla may just be her middle name, I told him he was free to choose whatever he loved.

So there you have it.

Ovarian cyst

In my past post I had failed to mention that at my Level 2 ultrasound they did find that the baby has an ovarian cyst. The Dr has assured me that this is not uncommon or dangerous and it should resolve itself on its own (usually by the time the baby is 1 month old). The u/s tech said this is usually just a result of hormones. (Uh ohÂ…her hormones are already crazy!)

They said they will monitor it to ensure it does not grow and compromise any ovarian function but it is definitely not life threatening. So, that means more ultrasounds for me.

I have one this Wednesday to check ob its size. It looked Huge on theultrasoundd but my Dr said it was magnified and was only 1 cm in diameter. Strange cause in comparison to the baby's total size it looked mammoth. I am hoping that we may be pleasantly surprised by a complete disappearance.

Oddly enough, despite myoveranalyzingg, worrying personality I have not been too concerned. All my research and the Dr.'scasuall reaction made me believe that it is no big deal. SO, I am grateful.

The u/s tech said a funny thing. She said, "Worst comes to worst she loses her right ovary. But, you only need one." That is true but it struck me as a funny thing to say. I would like my daughter to have both ovaries if possible. :)

Anyway -- I will keep you all posted on the u/s result on Wed.

Pluto ...not a planet?!

Well, all be damned! All these years thinking I knew all of the planets in the solar system. Heck, I still hum my planet song, "Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars..." once in awhile. How ill it sound now when I can't punctuate it wuth "Plu-to!"?

Demoted to "dwarf planet" -- funny how reality changes...

This will be one of those things were I can tell my little girl, "When I was a little girl, there were 9 planets in the solar system. There was this little one name Pluto but...." :)

Blogger Blocked! I swear...

Well, I have to start by apologizing for my blogging delinquency. Somehow my Internet cookies got disabled and I had to login to Blogger to post and provide comments on others' blogs. Well, I forgot my password and the password retrieval from Blogger was not working for me. I tried about 25 times. Finally, I got an e-mail from Blogger support this morning and was able to change my password and login. (I have written it down and tucked it away so I can avoid this happening again.)

A lot has happened in the past 6 weeks! I am now 23.5 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed it is a girl. The u/s tech said she could locate the labia (not just absence of male genitalia) so I was free to go shopping. It is exciting to know the sex of the little being inside me.

I feel pretty darn good too.

I have relaxed 300% since week 17 when I first started feeling movement. Now I feel it all of the time and it is very reassuring. She is quite active and bops around in there, especially after I eat anything sweet which has been fairly often since it is my one craving. Chocolate! brownies! fudge! Despite my sweet tooth my weight gain has been pretty good at 14.5 lbs total at my appt on Monday.

Work has been going well and I had a trip to Dallas the first week in August. Then, M and I were off to the Big Island of Hawaii for a fabulous vacation -- or babymoon of sorts. We golfed, hiked, swam at the beach, visited the volcanoes, took a helicopter ride over an amazing coast, and ate amazing fruits every morning. It really was a wonderful vacation.

Now, I am back to my planner ways and am starting on the nursery which is really fun. I have different paint splotches all over the walls but have vowed to stop since buying samples and quarts adds up and I haven't even selected a color. Paint is supposed to be the cheap thing.

I am also planning to research some more environmentally friendly diaper options. I am not that keen on cloth diapers and plastic pants but have heard there are some hybrids out there that may work well. I don't have the best plumbing though so that is a concern. I would not want to have to deal with little surprises coming back to great me all of the time. Especially since the bathroom next to the nursery is the guest bathroom. Any advice, tips, etc. are welcome.

What else is new? I am working on a new project at work which I really enjoy. And, I have hired a dear friend who I used to work with to contract for my company and assist me until my leave. So, business meetings with her are fun.

Anyway -- so I think that is about it. I will return to blogging since I can now. :)

Wow! Time flies

As I mentioned, I have been really busy with work so my apologies for not blogging.

All is still going well. I did break down and go get an ultrasound at that private place near me about a week and a half ago. Just wanted to see that little heartbeat. I was glad I did! All looked good and the tech said it was a girl. She didn't seem to have any doubt! :)

I don't regret it because I had to rescehdule my BIG ultrasound because M has to leave suddenly for a business trip to New York and would miss it. I would rather have him there with me than have it sooner -- so I will have to wait.

I have been feeling good and am growing. At approx 17.5 weeks I have gained almost 10 lbs. Yikes! It appears to be all in the belly though and I think that is about right. Last night I am pretty sure I felt the baby. It was like a popping and I could see mt stomach move almost like a twitch. Exciting! It becomes more real every day!

She Works Hard for the Money

It seems as I get further along and the stress starts to subside I blog less and less. (Sorry - I will be better.) I also stop browsing the Internet message boards as much as well. I let my Fertility Friend subscription expire long ago and I never visit WebMD or Babycenter anymore. I think that is a good thing. Obsessing is never good (I know you know what I mean Josefina!)

I do still keep up with the Blogs I read because they are all extremely interesting women and I care about what happens to them.

I won't say I am totally relaxed. I have to wait a full month between appts this time as my Big u/s is scheduled 7/19. It was so reassuring seeing the baby so often, I miss it and catch myself worrying. A friend gave me the # of a private location that does u/s for $25. I have tucked the # away in case I feel really strongly that I need to take another peak before the 19th. But, I am trying to wait. I also have a great fear of finding something wrong when I am not at the Dr's office. Not only will they be strangers, but I would have to admit my impatience and that I was ultrasounding behind everyone's backs to my Dr, husband, etc. Of course, that would probably be my last concern if something was wrong, but I can't help thinking it now.

One reassuring thing is that I am starting to obviously show now at 15.5 weeks. It is very obvious to me and my husband (and even my Mom and best friend noticed). But, most people dismiss it because I am not very big. I had a very flat stomach before so to me it is a big change, but other just say "that's a pooch?" or "its about time you looked normal." I am normally thin but not painfully so at all. I think some of my friends who gained quite a bit of weight with their pregnancies are a bit disappointed that I haven't gained 20 lbs already. But, I know how difficult body image issues can be so I understand. All in due time I think.

Aside from the baby watch, I have been very busy with work. My "day job" is packed and the extra consulting work I picked up keeps me chained to my desk at night. Argh! I keep walking around the house singing "She Works Hard for the Money..." I am not sure if M is amused. It is all worth it though because the proceeds will be used for my new "nesting" projects. I had a plantation shutter installed in the soon to be nursery and just ordered new carpet for all bedrooms. I am also going to have our bathrooms redone as I have been planning for years. The extra work is paying for almost all of it, so it feels good to know we aren't cracking into our savings which we will really need when the baby comes.

I My work has been incredibly supportive about my pregnancy and upcoming leave. I am very grateful. My boss also submitted me for a promotion effective in January (while I am in leave!) It doesn't get better than that. I think they are trying to make sure I don't leave. And, because I work from home, I don't think I will be going anywhere anytime soon.

So, all in all, things are good. Better get back to work!

"....she works hard for the money...so hard for it honey..." - Who sings that? Donna Summer?

Officially relaxing - I promised I would

OK, so I made it to the 14 week mark. I had another ultrasound yesterday (I am an u/s junkie it seems) and the all looked good with a HB of 156 bpm. I had the same u/s tech as last time but this time she took it back that she thinks it is a girl and says it is inconclusive at this point. (M has hope for his boy, yet!) Also, my Dad's fiance who is a psychic and medium (no kidding) says it is a boy. Now, I take her "predictions" with a grain of salt because I am still not convinced of her abilities, but M says he will choose to believe that one.

It is crazy that my Dad is marrying a medium. She is actually the "Crossing Over w/John Edwards" type in that she claims to get images and messages from those who have passed. As you can tell, I am a skeptic. I am not all that skeptical of psychic powers in general, it is just that her "messages" thus far have been very general, nothing convincing. And, I went to her "church" once and it was really laughable. I got a few "messages" that were so far off AND some where they stated the obvious. (i.e., I am sitting next to my sister who looks just like me -- people often think we are twins. And a "psychic" says..."I sense a bridge of family over you two." Well no she%$! Anyone could have told you that.) as far as her gender prediction, she has a 50/50 chance just like everyone else. Well, the suspense will end in 4 weeks.

So, it is actually setting in that I will be having a baby in December. Now on to the projects! Nursery is my favorite upcoming one although I will wait until i know the gender. I do know that I would like to create a very cheerful room with a sock monkey or two in it. For some reason I love those darn sock monkeys!

I haven't had much time to concentrate on baby things because I have been busy with work and took a consulting job with my husband's company on the side. I develop training and my husband asked me to do product training (on the web) for his company. It is great extra $$ but it is hard to work all day then work some more. But, I keep thinking that having a bigger savings will be needed once Baby C comes so I will be busting my butt for the next 2 months. Hopefully I have some time for fun.

We do have our vacation to Hawaii planned for August 5th (Big Island) so I am really looking forward to that! We wanted to squeeze in a vacation in the 2nd trimester since I had to cancel the trip to Tokyo and who knows when we will be able to get away again.

An Inconvenient Truth

M and I recently saw An Inconvenient Truth in the theatre. I strongly recommend seeing it regardless of your political views. Although it is narrated by Al Gore and there is some undeniable campaigning going on, the scientific evidence is compelling, disturbing, and undeniable.

Please do not disregard it as a "liberal" or "Democratic" film.

Great odds!

Well, I had typed a very lengthy post last Wed after my 1st trimester screening only to have troubles posting. Then I lost it all. After spending so much time writing it, I just couldn't re-write the entire post. So, my apologies for a lag in my Blog.

Well the 1st trimester screening last week went well and the u/s tech even said she *thinks* it looks like a girl. (But not to go painting any walls pink.) I know that 12.5 weeks is far too early so I am taking that with a grain of salt. I will be happy either way but I did note some disappointment in M's eyes when I told him the prediction. Men just always want boys! It so funny. But, every father I know with daughters love it.

I got the results of the screening back and the odds were great. 1 in 2800 for Downs (negative is anything over 1 in 220) and 1 in 10,000 for Trisomy 18. I will take those odds! I have my next appt on Monday at 14 weeks. I think I will have another u/s so am excited for that. I am still apprehensive about telling some people, I keep saying "after Monday I will tell." I think 14 weeks will be a good point for me to totally relax.

On another positive note, M has been playing in a golf tournament the past 2 weekends. And, he made it to the semi-finals. He is in the top 8 out of 130! He never even thought he would make it to the 2nd weekend. This weekend he may have to play 36 holes each day. I have been his lucky caddie and have accompanied him on each round. (I have not been carrying the bag, I push it in my golf push cart.) It has been really great to be there for him. And, he loves having me there so we are really having fun winning together. :) I must admit though, walking 36 holes is tough. On Sunday, I got a cart for the last 18, I just couldn't do it. Walking one round of golf is over 5 miles. Luckily, it hasn't been too hot or that would have been horrible.

Wish him luck!

Goodbye RE...hello 2nd trimester!

Well, yesterday morning I had my final appt with Dr. A. Baby C measured 56 mm and 12 weeks 1 day. Right on track! He/she was particularly active and squirming around all over the place. Dr. A congratulated me and told me I was officially out of the first trimester. I guess he goes by the 12 week mark (which technically is the end of the 12th week.) He said I now fall under the probably more relaxed rules of my OB. What this means for me is 1) I can resume moderate exercise - yea! and 2) I can get some lovin, finally, after 9 long weeks!

Although excited about #2, I must say I am a bit anxious about it. In my head I know that sex is just fine. But, after the restriction (and everything going so well) I worry. But, I know that people have been having sex while pg for 100s of years so I will join the ranks (much to my husband's delight...and mine too.) I will just emphasize the "be gentle" factor since we do tend to have aggressive, rough (in a good way) sex. Any advice on how to "get back on the horse" so to speak from others who have had the restriction or just have been pg before would be much appreciated!

So, now I feel free to tell more people. Although, I haven't really done it yet. Just thought I would announce as I interact with people and not make specific calls. Those who have known now seem to be obsessed with the sex question and names. Of course, I have thought about it but not too much. It is funny how everyone asks what you want. Girl or boy? I always answer: "I want a healthy baby." But then you inevitably get..."But if you had to choose? What is your preference?" Geez, is this Sophie's Choice? When pressured I usually say a boy since that had been my preference before. But, I really don't care.

I do have the DVD of my latest ultrasound and when replaying it to my 14 and 15 year old brother and sister I told them that they are on "Weiner Watch 2006"! They loved that but agreed, we just can't tell yet. :)

Anyway, first trimester screening (nuchal translucency) is tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Entering a new phase

11 weeks and 1 day today (Baby C measured exactly 11 weeks at today's ultraound). I am off the progesterone as of today (no more white messy pants - yea!) and only have 1 more appt with Dr. A. The close monitoring has been great. And luckily, it will continue for a week weeks since I have my first trimester screening with my regular OB next Wed and then my 14 week appt and u/s less than 2 weeks later. Then, I will have the AFP at 16 weeks and the level 2 u/s (where you usually get to know the sex) at 18 weeks. So, no long periods of waiting between visits -- phew!

I have found that I now truly believe I am pregnant and feel free to make plans as if I am. M and I are are looking into getting a more baby friendly car (I have a 2 door SUV that isn't convenient -- not to mention a gas guzzler) and I ordered plantation shutters for the guest room which will soon be a nursery.

Just last week I took some new pajamas up to the checkout counter and quickly put them back when I realized they were maternity. I wasn't even in the maternity section, they just looked cute and comfy. But, I dropped them like a hot potato because I didn't want to jinx anything. My Mom asked,"What is jinx?" Which is so cute since you think she would know by now having had 4 kids, two of which are only 13 and 15 (my 1/2 bro and sister).

I haven't started telling everyone yet, but a few more people know. My boss for one. We had a meeting and she wanted to map out my time and schedule until Feb 07! She had me completing all of these major projects in Feb when I will be on maternity leave, so I had to spill the beans. She was great and supportive as I expected. I am very lucky to have a flexible job where I work from home. I am deadline driven (not a 9 to 5er) so I can really work around my own schedule. This will be great (although tiring) when the baby comes because we are not quite able to live off a single income -- not in Southern California where we are from, at least.

So, anyway, I am still waiting until I leave the first trimester to tell more people (although me not having a glass of wine at dinner or margarita on a Sat afternoon has been a dead giveaway!) When does this magical trimester end? End of the 12th week at officially 13 weeks? Why did someone say 14 weeks? I am going with the end of the 12th week -- sounds good to me.

Getting Close!

Well the end of first trimester mark is coming up and I can't wait!

Appt this week showed an active little Baby C with a big head, body, and moving arms and legs. He/she measured 30 mm.

I also had my first appt with my OB/GYN and scheduled a first trimester screening (u/s and blood test). Hopefully, this and the AFP will all I need and I won't have to even consider an amino or CVS. (I probably wouldn't consider a CVS either way.)

In addition, I have been spot free for almost 2 weeks. Things are looking good... (knock on wood)

Arms and legs and a big 'ol head

Well, I had my 9 week ultrasound this morning and Dr. A said "Things couldn't look better." The baby measures 21mm and approx. 8wk 5 days -- a little behind but well within normal ranges. I teased M that that means I need to chow down even more. I like to tease him about all the weight I will gain. I always tell him my butt will be the size of Wisconsin, he doesn't really laugh at that. :) My Dr has said no exercise for the first trimester and that has been tough for me. But a small sacrifice. And, although I do have an appetite, I haven't really gained much, maybe 2 pounds. I am bloated, however, I don't button my jeans much of the time.

The no sex thing is getting difficult. It is hard to "be creative" when no sex also means no orgasms for me also. So, of course, our sex life is really lacking right now. The idea of making out like teens sounds fun, but it doesn't quite cut it. I really miss the closeness and intimacy. Only 3-4 more weeks!

Every week brings a bigger sense of relief. I had barely any spotting this past week (but I did have a little for one day) so I felt a but more calm. And, as the weeks go by I know my chances get better and better. I am really starting to get excited about the prospect of being a mother.

Next week, on Monday, I will see my OB/Gyn for the first time at 10 weeks. I know I will have to start thinking about all of the genetic testing they offer. I am 34 so I am right on the cusp of that magic 35. Last pregnancy I had decided not to do the first trimester screening for Downs, but I may just do it this time. My only fear is the too high rate of false positives I have heard about. I would hate to get a scare that was unfounded. I put myself through enough, I would hate an external influence feeding my fire.

I am confident I will make the right decision for me.

Still Tickin...

I had my weekly ultrasound this AM and all looks good. We saw a much bigger baby (15 mm), the umbilical cord, and the little heartbeat. He/she really looked like a little shrimp today. It was quite a milestone for me since my miscarriage last time showed that development stopped at approx. 7.5 weeks. I am now officially 8 weeks, just 1 more month until I leave the first trimester, I can't wait!

I was so nervous before the appt (as always) and my heart was racing. (A bit if spotting this weekend did not help the anxiety). M is still in Japan so I went it alone which makes it harder, but I kept it together and left very pleased. The Dr said all looked good, the heartbeat was in the target range, and there was no apparent bleeding in my uterus. (He thinks that the spotting is cervical irritation from the suppositories.)

I am starting to feel quite optimistic that this baby is a keeper. Yea!

Feeling BLAH

Well, I must say that I definitely feel more pregnant than I did the last time around. I am tired (I slept 10 hrs last night!) and I just feel kind of icky all of the time. I don't have my usual energy and not much motivation to engage in my usual projects.

I haven't really even cracked my pregnancy books yet since I think I am still apprehensive to totally admit to myself I am truly pregnant and will have a baby here in December. I just want these 12 weeks to fly past.

Actually, today I feel a bit better today than usual. I should be happy about that, but that makes me a bit nervous. I think I will be nervous for every ultrasound, that will just be the way it goes. But, I have made it a point this week to be positive, stay off the message boards, and I think I will let my Fertility Friend membership expire. (Plus, no spotting this week!) Sometimes it all just feeds the fire of worry and overanalyzing.

Oh, my boobs are getting a bit bigger. At least bigger for me. I have been looking forward to that since it will be quite a change for me. :)

So, M is in China now. He had a mix up and "forgot" his Chinese visa so couldn't enter China from Hong Kong. (It was in his expired passport) luckily he was able to purchase one there and get it in 5 hours. So, his delay wasn't too bad. His cell phone works in China so he is easy to get a hold of if you time it right. Modern technology! He will go to Tokyo on Sat. I am sad I won't see my good friend who is living there. She is one of those friends that I really enjoy. We only met about 5 years ago, so it is a newer friendship, but we always have so much fun and so much to talk about.

She actually said she would be uncomfortable if I visited while pregnant because she hasn't really navigated the medical system and their approach seems quite different than the US. She has chosen to wait to have another child until they return to the US (could be 2-3 years) because she does not want to go through her pregnancy and have a baby there. She is overly cautious because her son (now almost 3) was born premature at 7 mos. and she is afraid of pre-term labor again. I can understand that.

Here is to relaxing and feeling blah...

Sayonara Tokyo...Hello Heartbeat!

Well, I had my 7 week ultrasound this morning and saw the beautiful heartbeat. The baby measures 9mm and the Dr says all looks great! I feel so happy and relieved. Although I did see the heartbeat at 6wk 4 days last time and still miscarried, I do know that the chances of miscarriage now drop to 5% or less. So, I am optimistic that I will not be incredibly unlucky twice in a row.

Dr. A did not measure the heartbeat in beats per minute. I am kind of grateful for that because I would hate to find myself researching "good ranges" for HBs at 7 weeks. And, oh, you know I would. Dr A. is a straight shooter and I like that. During the u/s when we were seeing the HB, I probed and asked, "Does it look like a strong HB?" And he said, "Its either there or its not. It's there so it looks good." I can't help but think he does not look for babies at 6wks, and doesn't measure the HBs at 7 wks for a reason. He has probably dealt with many overanalyzers and doesn't want to cause any undue stress. I am very thankful.

So, no Tokyo for me (yea!). M leaves tomorrow AM for China the Tokyo. So, I will have to plan a special dinner to see him off. I must say that this "no sex" thing is starting to get difficult. I just feel bad as if I am neglecting my man. I know it is for good reason, and I am a rule follower but M and I have always had a very active sex life so going cold turkey and just saying "Goodnight honey" is very strange. We are trying workarounds, but they are just not the same. Just 5 more weeks...

On another note, M and I played golf on Sunday and I thought maybe this would be the day to break 100, but it was not to be. I did shoot well on a more difficult course but still scored 106. M says my game is much improved (he is a tough customer so that is quite a compliment) so I am happy about. I need to devote my time to more practice...

Seeing Tan

Well, more spotting this week. Very, very minimal so I have been pretty calm. If I was not using progesterone suppositories, I doubt I would even know there was spotting. But, the leakage from the suppositories is tinged with brown blood so I am seeing tan. I have been pretty calm this time since my Dr really minimized my concerns, and the last u/s looked good as far as the Dr was concerned.

I just want Monday to come so I see the HB and can sigh a breath of relief.

I think my miscarriage has really made me jaded. I don't allow myself to get too excited, I refuse to talk about baby names when asked by overzealous friedns (too early!), I am not ready to think about a baby friendly car (although it is sweet that M wants to start planning), and I haven't yet cancelled by airline reservation to Tokyo.

I am supposed to leave next Thurs, May 4th. And, I can't help but want the option to take a vacation if I get bad news on Monday. Is that morbid? My husband is leaving Tuesday, May 2nd for China and we were to meet in Tokyo at the end of the week. He is still going on the trip.

My thought is, what if I get bad news on Monday? Do I want to be all alone for a week while my husband is on vacation knowing that I could be there too? Wouldn't I just mope around feeling bad? Wouldn't a trip to an exotic locale to see good friends be a good option? Of course, I would love to cancel the reservation Monday morning after seeing a string HB and getting the all looks good for Dr A. That is what I am banking on. But, I am cautious.

Let's hope I never go to Tokyo!

I've Been Tagged

A fellow blogger, What's Meant To Be, has tagged me.

Here's the rules:

1. Go write 6 random or weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!
2. Then leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their comments telling them to read your blog.

It took me a few days to realize that this is what I am supposed to do, but better late than never. Here goes:

1. I have a Masters Degree in Latin American and Iberian Studies. No, I am not doing anything with that degree in my current career. Most people get confused by the "Iberian" part, but it just refers to the Iberian peninsula which is Spain and Portugal. Why choose such a field of study? Well, my mother is from Bolivia and I went through a long period in my life where I was fascinated by all things Latin American/South American, specifically politics and 3rd world development. I wrote my Masters thesis on revolutionary cinema. I loved every minute of it and am grateful I studies something that truly interested me. An MA has helped my career regardless of the field. Funny with my liberal beginnings that I work with a truckload of extremely conservative people. I don't discuss politics much at cocktail parties. :)

2. I love Project Runway and Americas Next Top Model. The latter is much more embarrassing. But, we all need a guilty, mindless pleasure, right?

3. I have traveled to 6 of the 7 continents. One of my friends is challenging me for all 7 but I really have no desire to go to Antarctica. I think she will go just to chalk up the 7th, and more power to her. I am not competing. I always tell her that Morocco doesn't really count as Africa and she gets so pissed. :)

4. I cry often. I always have. I am a very happy person. Most people think I never get sad. But, I well up easily...movies, books, TV shows, commercials, award shows, you name it. It feels good most of the time. My mom says it releases toxins and I believe her.

5. I am really fear aging. I feel 22 inside so it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that, in my 30s, I am no spring chicken. This was made very clear when trying to conceive. I constantly faced the fact that I am almost 35. For the most part, I don;t worry about my health. I am active and fit. I do worry about looking old. Shallow, I know, but I live in Southern California near the beach where everyone is botoxed and faked boobed. It starts to have an effect. I will not become one, but I can't help but start to get a distorted self image. Heck, if I moved to Texas I may scoff now but in 18 months I would have Wranglers too. Here is to holding out. Power to the A cup!

6. I love my miniature dachshund Rueben more than I can imagine. I have about 50 songs about him and I constantly talk to him. (I work from home so we have a lot of together time.) he is a good listener. Boy will he be sad when Baby C comes.

So, there you go. Now, I am off to tag!

Feeling "kinda" better

That's it. I am destined to worry about every little thing with this pregnancy. If it is not one thing, it is the other. Someone please save me from my own mind!

The good news is,the spotting stopped as quickly as it started. I really only spotted some brown on Friday morning however it tinged the leakage from my progesterone suppositories until Saturday. By Sat night it was gone and I was happy to see the white leakage from the lovely suppositories.

This AM I had my 2nd u/s at 6wk0d. Based on a lot of others' experiences, I thought we may see the HB today. Because of the spotting I was super nervous and took my husband M for moral support. My RE assured me spotting was normal and said, "If you worry about every spot you are going to have a very long 9 months."

At the u/s we saw a clear gestational sac (much larger than last week) and a perfect yolk sac. My RE said that it is too early to see the HB and I would see that next week. My Dr said he saw a swelling that indicates a fetal pole, I couldn't really make that out and I definitely don't see it in my pic I took home. My RE said all looks good and we should see more next week.

I know he knows a lot more than I do but can't help but be concerned. I wanted to see it today! It seems many other people see HBs and clear babies at their 6 week u/s.

I keep telling myself that 6wk 0d is as early as you can get in the 6th week. (I saw the HB last time at 6wk5d). And, my RE and the nurse said oh no, that is next week like it is no big deal. M was there to witness this so I know he will not tolerate any stressing or second guessing the Dr. So, I must be confident, trust the expert and wait until next week.

Sometimes I curse the internet with its access to ultrasound galleries (where I can compare pics) and information on everything from blighted ovums, to missed miscarriages, to any doomsday prophecy you want to choose for yourself. I must stop and try to enjoy this pregnancy. That is my goal this week.

Breathe...breathe... :)

Trying to stay calm and positive

Well, I woke up this morning to some spotting on the TP. It had mixed with the progesterone suppositories so it looked like much more than I felt comfortable with. Of course, my heart sank.

I called the nurse and she assured me that some spotting was very normal and not to worry. My progesterone was high yesterday at 49 so that is a good thing. But, I can't help but worry.

The spotting is not red or plentiful, I would call it a rust color since it is diluted with the medication. And it is not flowing in anyway.

I have an ultraound scheduled for Monday...can I make it through the weekend? I pray that the spotting stops and all is well. Oh please let me see a little heartbeat on Monday.

In the Frequently Asked Questions section of the packet my RE gave me it says:

"Q: Is brown spotting normal? A: Yes, this is common in the 1st trimester but please call the office to inform the nurse."

I am thinking if it is in the FAQ it must certainly be common.

I did not have any spotting with my last miscarriage, not sure how I can twist that to apply to this situation.

Please send good juju my way, I really need it today.

Up, up, and away!

My progesterone that is...

After only 3 1/2 days of using the progesterone suppositories my blood progesterone level went from 17 to 49! Since my RE is only looking for a level over 20, this is great news. I will continue to use them for many weeks but that is OK. Whatever it takes for a healthy, growing baby.

Well, this weekend I am golfing with my husband, Dad, and father-in-law. My Dad has just taken up golf which is great BUT he is very, very competitive with me particularly. To me, golf is not a game in which you complete against someone else, you compete with yourself. But, he keeps score like a hawk and is not always the most "accurate" while scoring himself. It really tries my patience and I tend not to enjoy the round. I do not feel competitive with him, but when someone is goading you and you are already hard on yourself, it just sucks.

Last time we played together I told him I did not like him trying to compete with me. He said he understood and was great that round. I was hoping for the same for Sat. But, when I talked to him today he said, "I am going to golf today so I can practice and be ready for our big match." Argh...oh well. Grant me the patience and tolerance to smile, let it go, and not call him out when he takes a mulligan, "forgets" 2 strokes, calls a put close enough then claims he beat me on the hole.

I do love my Dad, just not his sportsmanship. :)

1st u/s - Houston we have a sac

I went in for my first ultrasound today. From my calculations I am 5 weeks 2 days pregnant. This early, all they expected to see was the gestational sac. And, yep, there it was. We could also make out the yolk sac within. The Dr. says that all looks good. I will go in again on Thursday to test my progesterone and again on Monday for my 6 week ultrasound. We should see more by then.

With my last pregnancy we saw a heartbeat at 6 wk 4 days so I am hoping we may get lucky and see that again. I plan to take my husband on the next one. I get very nervous right before the ultrasound. I guess I just can't forget when I went in last year and the Dr said, "Oh, this doesn't look very good. The baby is too small. And there doesn't appear to be any cardiac activity." I couldn't believe it. The thought had not entered my mind. And, I was alone in the office with my husband in Memphis on a business trip. It was awful.

I asked my Dr if I should be concerned about the progesterone and he said that the majority of his patients are taking supplementation. It is a rare person that produces enough on their own to meet the office's high standards. That was very reassuring. I am hoping for high #'s on Thursday.

Well, that is the update. No picture to post but it wasn't very exciting....just a dark spot in my uterus. Well not exciting for you. :)

Update from Dr

I just got the results of my 4th beta: 3,996! That sounds great to me. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow!

One bit of bad news, my progesterone dropped to 17. But, I am goin in right now to pick up progesterone suppositories, so hopefully that will do the trick. Funny, I have been worrying about progesterone all weekend since I have read so much about its link to early miscarriages. I am glad we will address it now and hopefully in plenty of time.

Off to the Dr.'s!

828!

That is a doubling time of 35 hours, so I am very happy with that. So, I now have to stick to the deal with myself and relax completely.

As a side note, we got the results of my husband's semen analysis today and they weren't particularly good. The count was good and very high but low concentration, motilty, and morphology. But as the nurse said, it doesn't really natter now because it worked! :)

I guess what we lacked in quality we made up for in quantity.

Anyway...828...yea!

Some minor overanalyzing

I hare been abnormally calm all week. Not half as nervous as I thought I would be. I am just kind of taking it day by day. I do, however, catch myself starting to stress, wondering: "Why aren't my boobs sore yet?" "When did they start getting sore last time?" "Why don't I have a headache today?" "What if my beta doesn't double the next time?" I do my best to squash these thoughts and I have been pretty successful.

I go in in an hour for my 3rd beta. I am hoping for great results and promised myself after this one I will stop being concerned. Three betas of string doubling should be proof that I am pregnant and it is progressing well, right?

I have told a few people but we plan to keep it as mum as we can to the larger world until we are out of the 1st trimester. I have told my Mom, Dad, and sister and 4 close friends -- the friends who have followed all of my TTC ups and downs and would be easy to "untell" if anything happened. My husband told his Mom as well. When I write it seems like we have told a lot of people! It is hard to keep secrets. :)

Anyway, I will post my 3rd beta results when I get them today. Wish me luck!

Numbers looking good!

I just got a call from my Dr.'s office with my 2nd beta results: 324. That means they have more than doubled (from 117) in 24 hours. So that is good news. I go in again on Friday for a 3rd.

I really like the extra monitoring that comes from being with an RE. It helps give me peace of mind. The Dr. is, however, very strict. I cannot travel in an airplane in the first trimester so I had to cancel our Tokyo vacation. Actually, my husband will still go without me for a few days since he was meeting me there after business meetings in China.

The Dr. also said no exercise or intercourse in the first trimester. Eeee gads! It seems overly cautious, but I will follow the rules since I am a rule follower. Hopefully the 8 weeks will go by fast!

Una Sorpresa! I'm Pregnant

I know I have been a very delinquent blogger, but I have good reason as I was in Brazil and Argentina for my work trip. Remember, this was the trip that was going to screw any chances I had for conceiving that cycle.

Well, not so! I got a positive OPK on the Sunday before I left (my flight departed Monday 3/27 at 3pm) so I was able to get in some babymaking before I took off. While on my trip, I tried not to think about it but couldn't help it. Maybe I had a chance!

Well, I returned Friday 4/7 and expected my period the next day. No sign. Sunday passed, nope. Monday AM I tested and lo and behold a positive! I took the test at 6:30 am, told my husband, smiled, and crawled back in bed. Very anti-climatic for such a 7 month build up. But, I am trying to stay cautiously optimistic. I just want to get through the first 12 weeks, then I will really start celebrating. I am, of course, very happy.

I called my RE to tell him the news and even though I did not start any treatment with him he offered to monitor me closely through my first trimester. I jumped at the offer. I went in for a blood test that day (at 14dpo) and my beta level was 117 and progesterone 25 which they said was great! I go in again today for another blood test to ensure they are doubling. Then I will have weekly ultrasounds. Perfect for a Type A gal like me. ;)

For all those TTC, I know everyone wants to know about signs in the 2 week wait (I know I did.) The only sign I had was increased cervical mucus (CM). A lot of creamy CM and a few days it was yellow. I have also had daily headaches since Friday. That is it though, no sore BBs, nothing else.

We are really thrilled. I have a good feeling about this pregnancy. I am hoping for a sticky, sticky baby and an uneventful 9 months.